My husband is delusional.
It drives me nuts.
The stomach flu hit our house this week, mainly him and I, and hopefully it will skip right over the kids. That's probably me being delusional, but I really don't want them to have to go through that.
So anyway, it hit me first, early Monday morning. Somehow I managed to get our daughter dressed and ready for school and then feed our son breakfast before becoming one with the couch. Every time I got up I instantly felt sick so I spent about 85% of the day on the couch. Unfortunately, my 3 year old didn't think that was the greatest idea and saw fit to basically destroy the house when I couldn't convince him to sit down and watch the Disney channel. Oh yes, I wanted the TV to babysit my kid so that I didn't have to move.
Normally my husband is also home for part of the day, but on this particular day he happened to have 4 appointments. I think I picked the worst day to get sick because he was gone all day and couldn't pick up our daughter from school and I had to drag myself out of the house to get her. When my husband was home, he did nothing but complain about me laying around. It seemed like he was constantly yelling at me, even over the phone before he got home. At one point he even told me that I didn't have the flu and was just being lazy like I am every other day. Honestly, I could not have cared less but it did irritate me.
Well you know what they say about karma. Later that evening my husband developed a fever and just listening you'd swear that the world was coming to an end. He even yelled at me that he had a headache and a fever and I said "forgive me if I don't give a ----" and "sorry if I don't feel bad for you." Sure enough, he was up all night and did nothing but sleep for 18 hours on Tuesday. I sure do love the double standards.
So now that we are both feeling better for the most part, I asked him how he felt when he was in the middle of it and said that maybe next time he ought to cut me some slack. And he said....
"Well that was no different for you, you do that every day."
Yeah and I suppose there's a dish fairy who gets the dishes done and a laundry fairy that gets that done, oh and maybe someone else gets the kids bathed and ready and does homework with them.
Bite me dude.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
20 Months
It's hard for me to believe that we are closing in on my husband's 2nd Alive Day. I never thought we would be here for 2 years. It feels like we're so close to the next chapter, the end is in sight but we're still not quite there. We've been talking about my moving with one or both of the kids over the summer, so we won't have to have our daughter switch schools in the middle of the year. I said something to my counselor about it and she thought I was talking about a marital separation. I'm not looking forward to living in separate states, but being a military family, I guess we're just accustomed to being apart. That aside, we just have to get on with our lives and I need to get back to working full time again and find a house, etc. It feels like our lives have been on hold for 20 months. 20 months and 20 surgeries, and surprise, there's another one coming up. Soon it will be 21 months and 21 surgeries.
Not to be outdone, I'll be having surgery myself later this month. I've decided that I hate been and having the metabolism of a teenager and would prefer to have no metabolism at all. All kidding aside, I'm having a thyroidectomy to treat my Graves' Disease. I could've had it treated with RAI, and not be cut open but without going into detail, I think surgery is the right option for me. It's certainly not an overnight decision, in fact, I've been thinking about it for about 4 years now.
Today I finally did something that I've also been talking about since my husband was released from the hospital. I went to the spa on post and had a deep tissue massage and a deluxe pedicure. Eight years ago, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It used to bother me a lot more but now it's more infrequent, but when I have a flare up, it's still pretty uncomfortable. The best way I that I can describe it is that it's like a nauseating pain and achy feeling. I have these trigger points that are very painful when pressure is applied to them and that's exactly what I had done today. I've read that a deep tissue massage is a good choice for fibromyalgia patients but painful and it was indeed painful and I'm definitely tender but surviving just fine. What put it into perspective for me and made me realize that it was pretty trivial, was when my massage therapist was telling me about one of his regular clients who is a wounded warrior who lost both of his arms and both legs overseas. It really makes you feel grateful for what you have.
Not to be outdone, I'll be having surgery myself later this month. I've decided that I hate been and having the metabolism of a teenager and would prefer to have no metabolism at all. All kidding aside, I'm having a thyroidectomy to treat my Graves' Disease. I could've had it treated with RAI, and not be cut open but without going into detail, I think surgery is the right option for me. It's certainly not an overnight decision, in fact, I've been thinking about it for about 4 years now.
Today I finally did something that I've also been talking about since my husband was released from the hospital. I went to the spa on post and had a deep tissue massage and a deluxe pedicure. Eight years ago, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It used to bother me a lot more but now it's more infrequent, but when I have a flare up, it's still pretty uncomfortable. The best way I that I can describe it is that it's like a nauseating pain and achy feeling. I have these trigger points that are very painful when pressure is applied to them and that's exactly what I had done today. I've read that a deep tissue massage is a good choice for fibromyalgia patients but painful and it was indeed painful and I'm definitely tender but surviving just fine. What put it into perspective for me and made me realize that it was pretty trivial, was when my massage therapist was telling me about one of his regular clients who is a wounded warrior who lost both of his arms and both legs overseas. It really makes you feel grateful for what you have.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Extension
Today was supposed to be the big day. My husband was finally going to be getting out of the military because today was his ETS. Unfortunately he's halfway through his 16th month of therapy and he still has some time left to go. He signed extension orders for another 6 months but his case manager told him that he can expect to be here for another year. Never in my life did I expect to stay in Texas for 4 years. It's a bit overwhelming, especially because I'm pretty homesick.
Since we're still going to be here for awhile yet, I keep encouraging my husband to look into an inpatient PTSD program. We still suspect there is some TBI going on there too. The hardest part lately are the ups and downs and mood swings. Because I'm the one who is around him the most often, I seem to get the worst of his attitude. More often than not I cringe because the kids end up witnessing arguments. It's so frustrating and sometimes I feel ready to throw in the towel.
We actually just celebrated our 6th anniversary over the weekend. To say it's been a bumpy road is putting it lightly. In the first three years of our marriage, we spent more time apart than together. He's missed half of our anniversaries and left 3 weeks after we were married. Had he not been wounded he would've missed another one. I used to laugh when I realized that even though we were married in 2003 we didn't ring in the New Year together until 2006. It's just the way military life goes sometimes.
Ironically I know that I will miss some of this crazy stressful life. Sometimes I feel closer to my military family than my real family. Our previous duty station was Ft Hood and when the shootings occured I was amazed at the amount of support and concern I received that day. While we weren't directly affected, we did have friends who were on lockdown for over 7 hours and some of those killed and wounded were from the brigade that my husband's unit is part of. I think all of us in the military community were at least somewhat shaken about what happened that day. Had my husband not been wounded we would've still been stationed at Ft Hood. There are just so many what if's when it comes to his injuries. He's been recovering for longer than he would've been deployed. When I look back on the past sixteen months and all that we as a family have been through, it just amazes me that we've survived.
Since we're still going to be here for awhile yet, I keep encouraging my husband to look into an inpatient PTSD program. We still suspect there is some TBI going on there too. The hardest part lately are the ups and downs and mood swings. Because I'm the one who is around him the most often, I seem to get the worst of his attitude. More often than not I cringe because the kids end up witnessing arguments. It's so frustrating and sometimes I feel ready to throw in the towel.
We actually just celebrated our 6th anniversary over the weekend. To say it's been a bumpy road is putting it lightly. In the first three years of our marriage, we spent more time apart than together. He's missed half of our anniversaries and left 3 weeks after we were married. Had he not been wounded he would've missed another one. I used to laugh when I realized that even though we were married in 2003 we didn't ring in the New Year together until 2006. It's just the way military life goes sometimes.
Ironically I know that I will miss some of this crazy stressful life. Sometimes I feel closer to my military family than my real family. Our previous duty station was Ft Hood and when the shootings occured I was amazed at the amount of support and concern I received that day. While we weren't directly affected, we did have friends who were on lockdown for over 7 hours and some of those killed and wounded were from the brigade that my husband's unit is part of. I think all of us in the military community were at least somewhat shaken about what happened that day. Had my husband not been wounded we would've still been stationed at Ft Hood. There are just so many what if's when it comes to his injuries. He's been recovering for longer than he would've been deployed. When I look back on the past sixteen months and all that we as a family have been through, it just amazes me that we've survived.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Injury List - Updated 11/7/09
Throughout the ordeal Paul has had:
16 months of physical therapy
20 limb salvage/reconstruction surgeries
His left arm sewn to his side for 6 weeks
Severed tendons where the shrapnal sliced through - surgery 4/09 because they came untied.
10cm section missing from his ulnar nerve from shrapnel - the nerve is permanently paralyzed.
Severed ulnar artery that’s still not pumping blood as well as it should causing numbness, lack of movement and sensitivity to hot and cold
Burns throughout his hand and arm from the blast
Tennis ball size chunk of flesh missing from his forearm
Damaged, missing tissue from his hand and arm
Piece of his thumb missing, cuts throughout his fingers
MRSA staph infection
Other infections
Groin flap to repair the missing skin and tissue leaving a 10 inch scar along his side, over an inch wide in some places
Diminished lung capacity, breathing at 60%
Fractured and bruised tailbone
Chronic back spasms
Tininitus
PTSD (tested negative for TBI) - from Iraq 12/03-2/05, Afghanistan 4/08-7/09
Cone Dystrophy eye disease
Chronic Sleep problems and possible apnea - had sleep study done in 2009
16 months of physical therapy
20 limb salvage/reconstruction surgeries
His left arm sewn to his side for 6 weeks
Severed tendons where the shrapnal sliced through - surgery 4/09 because they came untied.
10cm section missing from his ulnar nerve from shrapnel - the nerve is permanently paralyzed.
Severed ulnar artery that’s still not pumping blood as well as it should causing numbness, lack of movement and sensitivity to hot and cold
Burns throughout his hand and arm from the blast
Tennis ball size chunk of flesh missing from his forearm
Damaged, missing tissue from his hand and arm
Piece of his thumb missing, cuts throughout his fingers
MRSA staph infection
Other infections
Groin flap to repair the missing skin and tissue leaving a 10 inch scar along his side, over an inch wide in some places
Diminished lung capacity, breathing at 60%
Fractured and bruised tailbone
Chronic back spasms
Tininitus
PTSD (tested negative for TBI) - from Iraq 12/03-2/05, Afghanistan 4/08-7/09
Cone Dystrophy eye disease
Chronic Sleep problems and possible apnea - had sleep study done in 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Surgery #15
Paul had surgery #15 on Friday. We dropped the kids off at daycare around 7:30 and he and I headed to the hospital. I had the chance to stay with him in the triage and help him undress and put on his hospital gown. I joked around that wearing that thing is like old times which was of course was met with a glare. I guess his 64 day stay as an inpatient did him in. When it was time for me to leave and for him to be wheeled into surgery, I stepped out into the hallway and walked past the waiting rooms that I had spent so much time at. All at once it hit me and I was reminded of of how it felt so many other times. So much of our lives revolved around that hospital for so long and I didn’t realize at the time just how difficult and traumatic the whole thing was. I felt like I should walk back to my hotel room with the kids but then I realized just how alone I was and that that wasn’t an option. I walked down the hallway, annoyed that I had worn my flip flops that kept slapping so loud against the quiet floor. Too quiet at that. I paused to look out the window of the hospital and saw the same scenery that I had watched before. I stepped into the elevators that I had spent just as much time in, the same ones that my daughter could find her daddy’s floor by heart and had once dropped her Lightning McQueen diecast car down into the shaft. She remembers of course too and reminds me every time we ride on them that he’s down at the bottom in the dark.
I rode the elevator down to the basement and thought about getting some breakfast but knew there was no way that I could stomach it yet. I’d been feeling sick all morning, and wasn’t sure if it was nerves or not but I knew the DFAC food would only make it worse. I stood there reading the menu to see what they offered for lunch later on in case I had gotten my appetite back. An older lady stopped and said “they serve breakfast until 9:30 hun.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I already knew that since I pretty much used to live here. I also knew that you could get free meal coupons from the chaplains and that if I stayed in one spot for more than a minute, someone would ask me if I needed any help finding something. For the most part, people are just genuinely friendly and helpful here. Of course it’s normal to see people who are severely burned and missing limbs everywhere here and wounded warriors are treated with respect. There are signs up in the DFAC that wounded warriors can go to the front of the lines, signs in the pharmacy that say the same thing along with a specific pharmacy for wounded warriors. The support for our troops is amazing here and it definitely shows.
Eventually I wandered back down to the waiting rooms and sat down on the comfortable leather sofa. I had every intention of enjoying some quiet time for myself and reading a book. Once I stretched out though, I think I was awake for about 3 minutes before I fell asleep. I really hadn’t gotten any sleep before and it was catching up to me. I slept off and on and before I knew it, someone was telling me his surgery was finished and I could go see him in the recovery room.
He was wide awake when I saw him and his arm was wrapped in a thick bandage. He had a nerve block so everything was completely numb and he wasn’t in any pain. He said his arm felt like it weighed 100 lbs so they gave him a sling to put it in. The doctor had gone in and removed several layers of scar tissue that was preventing him from moving some of his fingers. Also some of the tendons that had been severed and tied together had come apart so those were fixed. They shaved off most of the large tennis ball sized lump of grafted skin to make it look a little better. I never kept track of the number of stitches he’s had but I’m sure there’s been well over a hundred and he got plenty more today. He is supposed to have one more surgery after this to get more scar tissue and some more cosmetic work done on his arm. This time they opted not to open up his fingers and mess with the nerves because they’re hoping the removal of so much scar tissue will help him get some feeling back in the two fingers that are numb to him.
There has been talk all along about amputation and still stuff has been said here and there about removal of the two fingers that don’t have any feeling in them. I’m sure that since he’s come this far with the limb salvage that he will be keeping his arm (provided there are no more infections) and I know he doesn’t want to lose the fingers. When the nerve block started wearing off he was able to move his first few fingers and his thumb a little more than he has been able to up to this point. He has to go right back to getting occupational therapy Monday so I’m sure that will be very painful as it usually is. He’s still going to be on Percocet for awhile so I will be back to going to formation with him every day. His doctor recommended that he take 14 days of convalescent leave but with all of his appointments and therapy, plus full time school, he can’t really go anywhere. He hasn’t had any leave since around Christmas and I know he needs a break but doesn’t want to miss any classes. He has one that’s a hybrid class that he could pretty much do most of the work online so I’m hoping to drag him to Disney World sometime this year. I know it will be awhile before the next surgery so hopefully we can do something to get away from our lives that revolve around the hospital. I still have to have my thyroid scan and uptake so I have to figure out soon what I’m going to do to treat the Graves’ Disease. I’m not looking forward to either option but I’m tired of the way I feel so something needs to be done.
Now that surgery #15 is behind us we can get back to the new normal of our lives. Paul’s unit just passed the one year mark in Afghanistan and it’s hard to believe what the past 9 months have been like for us. Sometimes it feels like we’re worlds away from the way things should’ve been without the IED. I often wonder if I would’ve stayed in Texas or if I would’ve moved back to my hometown for the 15 months. I was seriously considering it right around the time he was injured. Sometimes it’s frustrating to hear people talking about how their husbands are “lifers” in the military and he’s going to stay in until retirement so they have no other plan. I’ve learned that you always need to have a plan b or c, or some kind of backup plan because you just never know how things are going to turn out. I’m finding that there are a lot of military wives, mostly young, that just don’t think this kind of thing could happen to them. Or they just don’t think it will. Our lives can change with every breath we take.
There are plenty of things that I should’ve planned for better. 10 years ago I was in college majoring in travel and tourism. It sounded like an exciting field and I was excited to get hired with a large agency even before I graduated. I hated it. I’m not a salesperson and while there were some perks to booking travel, there were plenty of draw backs. Yet I put time and money into school for it and realized right away that it just wasn’t for me. Rather than growth in the travel industry, travel agents are becoming obsolete since you can book things online. I’ve preferred to book stuff online. I turned down a job with Travelocity a few months ago and they’ve posted it again on Career Builder and I’ve seriously considered reapplying. It sounds like a great company, a fun company to work for but I know I would start to dislike it after awhile. I just don’t think that’s the right direction for me. I thought graphic design or web design but after a couple of classes in both of those, I realized that is more of just a hobby for me. It will always be a creative outlet for me but I think I’m finally on the right track with what I’m pursuing now. Thanks to the military I’ve got some time to finish it now.
Sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. For the first time since we moved to Texas, I heard my husband say he was glad, despite everything that’s happened, that he made the decision that he did. Even despite being reclassed and being a gunner and missing the IED that hit him. I feel like it kind of takes the blame, er weight off of my shoulders a bit. It might just be the Percocet talking though.
I rode the elevator down to the basement and thought about getting some breakfast but knew there was no way that I could stomach it yet. I’d been feeling sick all morning, and wasn’t sure if it was nerves or not but I knew the DFAC food would only make it worse. I stood there reading the menu to see what they offered for lunch later on in case I had gotten my appetite back. An older lady stopped and said “they serve breakfast until 9:30 hun.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I already knew that since I pretty much used to live here. I also knew that you could get free meal coupons from the chaplains and that if I stayed in one spot for more than a minute, someone would ask me if I needed any help finding something. For the most part, people are just genuinely friendly and helpful here. Of course it’s normal to see people who are severely burned and missing limbs everywhere here and wounded warriors are treated with respect. There are signs up in the DFAC that wounded warriors can go to the front of the lines, signs in the pharmacy that say the same thing along with a specific pharmacy for wounded warriors. The support for our troops is amazing here and it definitely shows.
Eventually I wandered back down to the waiting rooms and sat down on the comfortable leather sofa. I had every intention of enjoying some quiet time for myself and reading a book. Once I stretched out though, I think I was awake for about 3 minutes before I fell asleep. I really hadn’t gotten any sleep before and it was catching up to me. I slept off and on and before I knew it, someone was telling me his surgery was finished and I could go see him in the recovery room.
He was wide awake when I saw him and his arm was wrapped in a thick bandage. He had a nerve block so everything was completely numb and he wasn’t in any pain. He said his arm felt like it weighed 100 lbs so they gave him a sling to put it in. The doctor had gone in and removed several layers of scar tissue that was preventing him from moving some of his fingers. Also some of the tendons that had been severed and tied together had come apart so those were fixed. They shaved off most of the large tennis ball sized lump of grafted skin to make it look a little better. I never kept track of the number of stitches he’s had but I’m sure there’s been well over a hundred and he got plenty more today. He is supposed to have one more surgery after this to get more scar tissue and some more cosmetic work done on his arm. This time they opted not to open up his fingers and mess with the nerves because they’re hoping the removal of so much scar tissue will help him get some feeling back in the two fingers that are numb to him.
There has been talk all along about amputation and still stuff has been said here and there about removal of the two fingers that don’t have any feeling in them. I’m sure that since he’s come this far with the limb salvage that he will be keeping his arm (provided there are no more infections) and I know he doesn’t want to lose the fingers. When the nerve block started wearing off he was able to move his first few fingers and his thumb a little more than he has been able to up to this point. He has to go right back to getting occupational therapy Monday so I’m sure that will be very painful as it usually is. He’s still going to be on Percocet for awhile so I will be back to going to formation with him every day. His doctor recommended that he take 14 days of convalescent leave but with all of his appointments and therapy, plus full time school, he can’t really go anywhere. He hasn’t had any leave since around Christmas and I know he needs a break but doesn’t want to miss any classes. He has one that’s a hybrid class that he could pretty much do most of the work online so I’m hoping to drag him to Disney World sometime this year. I know it will be awhile before the next surgery so hopefully we can do something to get away from our lives that revolve around the hospital. I still have to have my thyroid scan and uptake so I have to figure out soon what I’m going to do to treat the Graves’ Disease. I’m not looking forward to either option but I’m tired of the way I feel so something needs to be done.
Now that surgery #15 is behind us we can get back to the new normal of our lives. Paul’s unit just passed the one year mark in Afghanistan and it’s hard to believe what the past 9 months have been like for us. Sometimes it feels like we’re worlds away from the way things should’ve been without the IED. I often wonder if I would’ve stayed in Texas or if I would’ve moved back to my hometown for the 15 months. I was seriously considering it right around the time he was injured. Sometimes it’s frustrating to hear people talking about how their husbands are “lifers” in the military and he’s going to stay in until retirement so they have no other plan. I’ve learned that you always need to have a plan b or c, or some kind of backup plan because you just never know how things are going to turn out. I’m finding that there are a lot of military wives, mostly young, that just don’t think this kind of thing could happen to them. Or they just don’t think it will. Our lives can change with every breath we take.
There are plenty of things that I should’ve planned for better. 10 years ago I was in college majoring in travel and tourism. It sounded like an exciting field and I was excited to get hired with a large agency even before I graduated. I hated it. I’m not a salesperson and while there were some perks to booking travel, there were plenty of draw backs. Yet I put time and money into school for it and realized right away that it just wasn’t for me. Rather than growth in the travel industry, travel agents are becoming obsolete since you can book things online. I’ve preferred to book stuff online. I turned down a job with Travelocity a few months ago and they’ve posted it again on Career Builder and I’ve seriously considered reapplying. It sounds like a great company, a fun company to work for but I know I would start to dislike it after awhile. I just don’t think that’s the right direction for me. I thought graphic design or web design but after a couple of classes in both of those, I realized that is more of just a hobby for me. It will always be a creative outlet for me but I think I’m finally on the right track with what I’m pursuing now. Thanks to the military I’ve got some time to finish it now.
Sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. For the first time since we moved to Texas, I heard my husband say he was glad, despite everything that’s happened, that he made the decision that he did. Even despite being reclassed and being a gunner and missing the IED that hit him. I feel like it kind of takes the blame, er weight off of my shoulders a bit. It might just be the Percocet talking though.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I'm Avoiding the Kitchen (again)
I'm still pretty paranoid in the kitchen since the fire in January so I'm not cooking as often as before but getting better. It's not true though, a watched pot DOES still boil. ;)
So we ate dinner tonight and afterwards I loaded the dishwasher, not overly full but not empty either. This dishwasher is 5 years old and it tends to flip my plastic cups upside down and fill them with water if it's too empty, but more often than not it's usually pretty full. When the cycle is complete I usually open it up a bit and let the dishes air dry vs. using the heat dry.
Apparently Kaiden had messed with it and flipped it over to heat dry, which is usually no big deal, but tonight one of my Pampered Chef wooden spoons was knocked off the top rack and fell down below. It came to rest on the hot wire in the bottom and since I didn't know it, it started to burn. Paul and I were sitting in the living room off of the kitchen and I asked him what that smell was. It didn't smell any worse than when you first turn the heat back on after it's been off all summer/fall. Since our appliances are still new they have that smell to them when they're in use but tonight I had used my griddle to cook on so that wasn't it. Paul thought the kids were doing something they shouldn't have been but they were fine. He didn't notice it until I said something and I wouldn't have noticed it when I did if I had been sitting in the other living room.
When I oppened the dishwasher I got a face full of smoky smelling steam but other than a black mark on the wire and branded on my spoon, both should be fine. Pampered Chef stuff is too expensive to be using for kindling though! I can just imagine having to call my rental company and tell them that I caught the dishwasher on fire. They'd probably kick me out and think I did it intentionally. Thankfully there were no flames this time, probably because of the water during the cycle keeping the spoon damp, but seriously I'm convinced that I am not meant to be in this kitchen! I'm going to be scarred for life lol!
So we ate dinner tonight and afterwards I loaded the dishwasher, not overly full but not empty either. This dishwasher is 5 years old and it tends to flip my plastic cups upside down and fill them with water if it's too empty, but more often than not it's usually pretty full. When the cycle is complete I usually open it up a bit and let the dishes air dry vs. using the heat dry.
Apparently Kaiden had messed with it and flipped it over to heat dry, which is usually no big deal, but tonight one of my Pampered Chef wooden spoons was knocked off the top rack and fell down below. It came to rest on the hot wire in the bottom and since I didn't know it, it started to burn. Paul and I were sitting in the living room off of the kitchen and I asked him what that smell was. It didn't smell any worse than when you first turn the heat back on after it's been off all summer/fall. Since our appliances are still new they have that smell to them when they're in use but tonight I had used my griddle to cook on so that wasn't it. Paul thought the kids were doing something they shouldn't have been but they were fine. He didn't notice it until I said something and I wouldn't have noticed it when I did if I had been sitting in the other living room.
When I oppened the dishwasher I got a face full of smoky smelling steam but other than a black mark on the wire and branded on my spoon, both should be fine. Pampered Chef stuff is too expensive to be using for kindling though! I can just imagine having to call my rental company and tell them that I caught the dishwasher on fire. They'd probably kick me out and think I did it intentionally. Thankfully there were no flames this time, probably because of the water during the cycle keeping the spoon damp, but seriously I'm convinced that I am not meant to be in this kitchen! I'm going to be scarred for life lol!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Paranoid
My new stove was put in last Thursday, 5 weeks to the day since the fire. Apparently there was some sort of insurance descrepancy, something to the tune of $6000. The insurance companies fought it out and in the meantime we ate what we could here but had to go out to eat a whole lot more than we would’ve liked to. One more way for us to do our part to stimulate the economy I guess.
So I was excited to finally get a replacement stove and it’s even nicer than the one before. Plus it’s easier to look at that than the burned and damaged one we had. For the first two weeks after it happened, every time I would walk into the kitchen I would start feeling sick to my stomach and have to get out of there as quickly as I could because it was too hard for me to deal with. It was always the last thing I’d see before going to bed and I spent more time on the second floor instead of the living room and especially the kitchen. Of course it was right there when I would wake up every day as well and it usually took me a few deep breaths just to walk in there. The smell of burnt plastic from the microwave lingered and I can still smell it now, although not nearly as bad since there’s a new microwave up there now. The walls are still charred and will be repainted soon and new cabinets hung to replace the black crispy ones.
It’s nothing short of amazing how fast it spread and how much damage it caused in less than two minutes. After it happened I thought of those surveys that ask if your house was on fire and you could only grab three things, what would they be? Our fire was contained to the kitchen but the smoke went all the way through the first floor. It all happened so fast that our only thoughts were to grab the kids and get out, which is exactly what we did. There would’ve been no time to grab the hard drives with all of our pictures on them, or precious stuffed animals, blankets, etc.
One thing that really bothered me is that we live in a newer subdivision and the houses are close together. We often chat with our neighbors on the one side of us and the guys who lives there is retired military. He came over and cut the grass a few times for us because he knew Paul couldn’t push the lawn mower. They happened to be working during the fire but the neighbors down the street were home apparently because I watched them grab a couple of lawn chairs and sit in their garage to watch the festivites at our house. It just made me angry because I know, wounded or not, if someone needs help, Paul is always right there to do it. It’s not just because he’s got the proper training as a fire fighter and he’s required by law to stop at the scene if paramedics or police haven’t arrived, but simply because he wants to help if someone needs it. I was so tempted to go over to my neighbor’s house and make some offhand comment about how I appreciate him seeing if we needed any help, but I figured there was no point and I didn’t want to be known as the rude, unapproachable neighbor. Although if the people on the other side of us don’t turn their music down to a level that I don’t have to listen to clearly inside my house with the A/C running, I might just become that neighbor.
Regardless of what happened, I am grateful to finally have new appliances, although the microwave has to be replaced with another new model that has a working door and not one that’s all dented in. The guys from Lowes who installed them apologized that it was supposed to be new but they would get a replacement out here ASAP. I mentioned that I had already been without one for 5 weeks so a few more days probably wouldn’t be a big deal.
I’m taking baby steps when it comes to cooking. I used to love baking and coming up with new things and now I’m panicky when I make macaroni and cheese. Since the microwave isn’t hooked up right now I don’t have a fan above the stove to take care of the steam so I’m constantly worried that I’m going to accidentally set the smoke alarm off. I’ve certainly put the watched pot never boils theory to the test because I feel the need to stand no more than three feet from the stove when there’s something on the burner or in the oven. Not that that’s a bad idea, but when I’m making a lasagna or something (frozen, baby steps, remember?) that takes an hour or so to cook it’s kind of hard to be patient. My laundry room and pantry are right off of the kitchen so occasionally I can fold clothes but I’m constantly checking to make sure nothing happens that’s not supposed to.
Every time I walk around the corner towards the kitchen, even if nothing is on I still expect to see huge flames pouring off of the stove. I still see smoke on the ceiling and walls around me and it’s almost hazy to me, like there’s a cloud of smoke I have to get through to get to the kitchen. At first I thought it was just my contacts needing to be cleaned but it happens when I don’t have them in. I’m sure I’m the only one who sees it, and it always takes me right back to that day. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll keep getting more used to it. I know I have somewhat already since I eventually got used to seeing the burned out kitchen.
Fire and it’s aftermath are just one of my fears I guess, so having it right there in front of me has just made me so paranoid. There are things I want to cook again but I feel intimidated just to turn on one of the burners. I have a flat cooktop range now so I can’t even drop anything down into a burner anymore so I should feel more relieved but now I’m worried that I’m going to some how screw up a brand new stove. I did buy another container of vegetable oil but it will probably be used for baking and not to saute with.
Just a little bit paranoid here, don’t mind me.
So I was excited to finally get a replacement stove and it’s even nicer than the one before. Plus it’s easier to look at that than the burned and damaged one we had. For the first two weeks after it happened, every time I would walk into the kitchen I would start feeling sick to my stomach and have to get out of there as quickly as I could because it was too hard for me to deal with. It was always the last thing I’d see before going to bed and I spent more time on the second floor instead of the living room and especially the kitchen. Of course it was right there when I would wake up every day as well and it usually took me a few deep breaths just to walk in there. The smell of burnt plastic from the microwave lingered and I can still smell it now, although not nearly as bad since there’s a new microwave up there now. The walls are still charred and will be repainted soon and new cabinets hung to replace the black crispy ones.
It’s nothing short of amazing how fast it spread and how much damage it caused in less than two minutes. After it happened I thought of those surveys that ask if your house was on fire and you could only grab three things, what would they be? Our fire was contained to the kitchen but the smoke went all the way through the first floor. It all happened so fast that our only thoughts were to grab the kids and get out, which is exactly what we did. There would’ve been no time to grab the hard drives with all of our pictures on them, or precious stuffed animals, blankets, etc.
One thing that really bothered me is that we live in a newer subdivision and the houses are close together. We often chat with our neighbors on the one side of us and the guys who lives there is retired military. He came over and cut the grass a few times for us because he knew Paul couldn’t push the lawn mower. They happened to be working during the fire but the neighbors down the street were home apparently because I watched them grab a couple of lawn chairs and sit in their garage to watch the festivites at our house. It just made me angry because I know, wounded or not, if someone needs help, Paul is always right there to do it. It’s not just because he’s got the proper training as a fire fighter and he’s required by law to stop at the scene if paramedics or police haven’t arrived, but simply because he wants to help if someone needs it. I was so tempted to go over to my neighbor’s house and make some offhand comment about how I appreciate him seeing if we needed any help, but I figured there was no point and I didn’t want to be known as the rude, unapproachable neighbor. Although if the people on the other side of us don’t turn their music down to a level that I don’t have to listen to clearly inside my house with the A/C running, I might just become that neighbor.
Regardless of what happened, I am grateful to finally have new appliances, although the microwave has to be replaced with another new model that has a working door and not one that’s all dented in. The guys from Lowes who installed them apologized that it was supposed to be new but they would get a replacement out here ASAP. I mentioned that I had already been without one for 5 weeks so a few more days probably wouldn’t be a big deal.
I’m taking baby steps when it comes to cooking. I used to love baking and coming up with new things and now I’m panicky when I make macaroni and cheese. Since the microwave isn’t hooked up right now I don’t have a fan above the stove to take care of the steam so I’m constantly worried that I’m going to accidentally set the smoke alarm off. I’ve certainly put the watched pot never boils theory to the test because I feel the need to stand no more than three feet from the stove when there’s something on the burner or in the oven. Not that that’s a bad idea, but when I’m making a lasagna or something (frozen, baby steps, remember?) that takes an hour or so to cook it’s kind of hard to be patient. My laundry room and pantry are right off of the kitchen so occasionally I can fold clothes but I’m constantly checking to make sure nothing happens that’s not supposed to.
Every time I walk around the corner towards the kitchen, even if nothing is on I still expect to see huge flames pouring off of the stove. I still see smoke on the ceiling and walls around me and it’s almost hazy to me, like there’s a cloud of smoke I have to get through to get to the kitchen. At first I thought it was just my contacts needing to be cleaned but it happens when I don’t have them in. I’m sure I’m the only one who sees it, and it always takes me right back to that day. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll keep getting more used to it. I know I have somewhat already since I eventually got used to seeing the burned out kitchen.
Fire and it’s aftermath are just one of my fears I guess, so having it right there in front of me has just made me so paranoid. There are things I want to cook again but I feel intimidated just to turn on one of the burners. I have a flat cooktop range now so I can’t even drop anything down into a burner anymore so I should feel more relieved but now I’m worried that I’m going to some how screw up a brand new stove. I did buy another container of vegetable oil but it will probably be used for baking and not to saute with.
Just a little bit paranoid here, don’t mind me.
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