Tuesday, April 12, 2011


We've been here for a couple of weeks now and we're still adjusting to this whole transition. Some days I feel like my husband is going from active duty status to ignoring the whole world and pretending like no one else around him exists. While not officially retired yet, he seems to be enjoying his new found freedom from the military. One afternoon he took off up into the mountains and then came back and said he wants to spend two weeks this summer hiking by himself. Most of his days are spent in the bonus room/guest room which he has set up as sort of a man cave. The first thing he did after getting it set up was to put a lock on the door. He said it was to keep our son from playing the PS3 or getting into the computer stuff but in reality it's primarily used to keep everyone out. While I understand the need for healing, it's starting to border into irritating. He's still leaving a lot on my shoulders and snaps at me when I even walk into the room to ask him something. I've told him a few times that while he may be retiring from the military, he's not retiring from being a parent. I know I certainly wouldn't mind a chance to have some time to myself or just be able to "escape" whenever I want to.

In my opinion, our kids are not adjusting to this move very well. I've seen regressive behaviors in both of them. K1 cries at school almost every day still and usually gets clingy before getting on the bus because she's terrified that I'm going to leave again. She misses her teacher and friends from Texas terribly and doesn't understand why she's never going to see them again. While all of her teachers have said she is highly intelligent, we are seeing more of her autistic side than we usually do.

K2 is still showing many signs of ADHD and I have trouble getting him to listen to me and behave. He is mimicking his dad's behavior and repeating much of what he says in the same tone of voice, etc. I don't think my husband realizes what affect his PTSD and injuries have had on both of these kids, but K2 especially. I've asked him if he realizes what kind of memories he's creating for them because they often tell me they think their dad is mean and loud. He gets defensive and pushes away the blame or tries to turn it around on me.

While I feel more independent here, I still struggle with worry and depression. I've been a SAHM for the better part of our marriage, and although I do have a couple of online businesses, I just feel ready to get out and go back to work full time. So far I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong but my attempts at getting a job have been unsuccessful. I've been rejected for jobs that I know I have years of experience for and I'm qualified for and it's hard not to take that personal. Then of course that just has me feeling more worried and stressed again because I wonder what I'm doing wrong or if I'm getting a bad reference or something. I tend to over analyze and second guess myself. At first I thought it was simply because I was applying for jobs from out of town, but now that I've been here and have an address and not having a lot of luck, it concerns me. I've been thinking about using part of my husband's GI bill and finishing school. With so much going on, I fell behind on the program that I got the scholarship for and now all of my books are outdated and it would cost an arm and a leg just to catch up and even then I don't know if I could do it.

Despite being injured, one difference between my husband and I is that he says at this point in his life he's accomplished pretty much all that he set out to do, whereas I definitely have not. I try not to have regrets because I feel that each path we take leads us to each event in our lives. Sometimes I just wish I had taken a few different paths or at least knew then what I know now.

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