Thursday, February 24, 2011

Struggling

I keep thinking things should be smooth sailing from here on out. I waited for this time to come for almost three years and I should be excited about moving forward. Finally our lives aren't so much in limbo anymore waiting on the military and the VA. Finally I can pack up and move on to the next chapter in our lives and start getting settled. Life should be good, right?

Instead I find myself spending most days hiding away from the world, barely able to get myself out of bed. I feel completely buried under this huge cloud of darkness leaving me with little to no energy. Having to schedule appointments and make commitments suddenly makes me feel anxious and I never want to leave the house. I drag myself to the store as little as possible and only during times when I know there won't be as many people out. I know what I need to do, what needs to get done before I leave and yet I waste each day that comes along and hide under my blankets afraid to go out and face the world.

By all accounts this could very well be due to my hypothyroidism, an automatic gift courtesy of my thyroidectomy 10 months ago. It could also be causing my daily headaches and constant digestive problems. Whatever it is, it's taking away my quality of life in a big hurry and I'm not liking it. I push myself to try to get stuff done but I seem to have this short supply of energy that never goes away. There's so much I want to do and it all just feels like it's out of reach. I struggle to make goals and plans and consistently fall short. It's like I'm trying to keep my head above water and someone or something just pushes me back down.

I keep trying to understand why my plate just feels so full and why life just feels so overwhelming to me when there's plenty of people I know with 10 times as much going on who seem to manage to get stuff done and don't get so burned out. This should be the home stretch of our journey and I should be excited and looking forward to what's ahead, not panicky and feeling sorry for myself. We've been talking about this the entire time he's been here recovering so it's not like it's anything new to me, but I can't seem to get myself out from under this depression. I worry about money and the transition and second guess everything I do. I told someone earlier that I'm not as strong as I seem, I'm just pretty good at hiding things and wearing that fake smile.

I hate that this is happening now, right when I need to be literally moving forward. Although honestly, it's been like this for the past few months. My husband has taken to telling me that I'm lazy and I'll say that I'm going to leave but I never will. Part of me feels guilty for having to leave one of my kids behind with him but I need her to be able to stay in school until we know for sure where we're going to live. I know a big move like this is extremely disruptive to a child on the autism spectrum and she's already starting to have behavior problems at school and at home. By the same token, I desperately need to get my son out of this house and into a new routine. His pediatrician said that we need a referral for a child psychologist where we move because he's feeling some stress because of the chaotic situation we're in. As a parent, I think I'll feel guilty no matter what but if this were just a regular military move, I might feel less pressure and maybe less guilt because it was out of my control.

I think the most frustrating part of this whole mess is that I recognized that there's a problem that needs to be taken care of yet I've gotten no where. I don't understand how anyone else can walk into their doctor's office and ask for some kind of antidepressant and get a prescription, yet I've asked my counselor for a referral and practically begged my doctor (at separate visits) for something to help me and I can't get it. Somehow I fall into the mild to moderate category because I guess I seem pretty sane and don't fall apart. They'd rather just check my thyroid and then simply tell me that it's a side effect and we'll just watch and wait to see how things go. Although if I ever felt the need to harm myself or others they'd gladly lock me up in the psych ward. So does it matter that I'd like to hurt them for not listening to me when I say over and over that I need a little help to balance out my life? Where's the fine line where I can get something so I can at least function a little better? Do they need an itemized crap list of things that come through here and add to the stress?

All I'm asking for is just a little help trying to put our lives back together piece by piece. And just because my husband has come to the end of his military career, does not mean that his recovery is over by any means. Our lives will never be normal again. Most days I can accept that but sometimes I need a little help keeping my sanity. I don't think that's asking too much.

2 comments:

Miranda said...

I'm sorry. I'm also sorry I missed this blog before. I will bookmark it now.

Something else occurred to me. Like you need a reason to be depressed and exhausted, since you pretty much wrote the book on life trials, but because of these life trials and significant health issues, you might want to take a look into adrenal fatigue. I haven't seen a dr for it, but I have enough causes and symptoms to have safely diagnosed myself. I'm treating it with diet and extra rest, both of which I know are as much a pain/struggle/impossible for me as they are for you, but something simple as letting myself lay down for 15 minutes after a particularly long rehearsal is refreshing. I eat foods that are supposed to promote healing, of course take my vitamin d (which I'm sure you already are).

It was just a thought... idk if it matters or not if you have a "label" since you have plenty but wherever possible, you need to take care of your body. if that means the laundry piles up an extra day that's ok. it IS hard to do the job for an entire family, not one of us can be superwoman though we may try.

love ya!

liz said...

Honey... You are SOOO not alone! KNOW THAT!!! You are NOT ALONE! There is nothing wrong with you for needing help... needing something extra to get your body functioning properly. You have been through SO much! More than many of us can ever imagine! Just like Miranda said, Adrenal Fatigue could very well be something you are struggling with! That is often times linked with thyroid problems! I have dealt with Adrenal Fatigue as well as a low thyroid for years. The only problem is, many doctors don't recognize or know a lot about it. A very good book to read is called Adrenal Fatigue by Dr. James Wilson. You can find it on Amazon. It gives many helps and pointers on how to recover. I also think if you are not getting the help you need from a doctor to get on an antidepressant - you need a new doctor. YOU know your body more than he does. If you can't get out of bed or if you purposely avoid going to the store at certain times of the day, then those are signs that you need help. I know.. because I have been in that exact place sweetie. That place is a sad, dark place... and you NEED to get back to yourself for YOU and for your FAMILY! Don't allow someone ELSE to let you stay STUCK there! It's too easy to let yourself stay stuck there... because life is so dang hard sometimes! You've got to find your glimmer again... and climb out. I know you don't even know me... and I'm sorry if I sound like a freak! But I've BEEN where you are, and I just heard myself in you when I read this post. I want so bad for you to be yourself again. HUGS!!!
- Liz

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