Dear ADT,
I just wanted to say thanks for your outstanding customer service today. Your enthusiasm was underwhelming and your lack of friendliness and help was just so appreciated. Would also like to thank you for putting the main unit of my security system seven feet from the ground, keeping it too far out of my reach to replace that stupid expensive difficult to find battery. Thanks for explaining way too fast how to stop that annoying beeping every few seconds so now I have to listen to it all night.
Dear Elite Rentals,
You suck because once again I have to put money into a house that doesn't belong to me because you couldn't take the time to take care of the general maintenance on this house and if I don't do something about it you'll blame me for the excellent work of the previous tenants. Maybe some day you'll give me the name of the home owner and I can tell him what a stellar job you've done taking care of the place.
Dear children of mine,
Stop being destructive and needy. Play quietly and don't destroy anything just long enough for me to take a shower and clean up the house before you wreck something else. I realize you must've figured out by now that you outnumber me so go easy will you?
Dear Durango,
Please learn how to change your own oil and stop sucking up the gas every time I look at you. You are not worth the $80 it cost me to fill you the other day.
Dear Cafepress,
Please remove yourself from the dark ages and get direct deposit. Your paper checks that take days to get here are annoying because I don't have a local bank. Also please pay better attention when you print my designs onto shirts and don't slap them on there crooked so my customers want to return them and I lose my commission.
Dear Angela,
If Fort Benning was on the way home, we'd be sipping sweet teas and chatting over lunch right now. I promise we'll get together before this deployment is over. Fortunately we still have 13 months from today to plan something. By the way, did you ever see Jeremy there? ;)
Dear Texas,
I'm sorry you were built on the sun and feel the need to be 95 degrees today. I don't mind you in the winter but sometimes I think you and the electric company have a good laugh. FYI, most people don't drive on the shoulder of the highway at 70 mph to let someone pass.
Dear Michigan,
You're too damn cold and you need more jobs. However you are kind of pretty so I can forgive you this once.
Dear Panera Bread, Olga's Kitchen, Q'doba, and The Root Beer Stand, and Cracker Barrel,
You and me, we have some dates together. Just don't tell my husband.
Dear Bud Light, Honey Brown, and Killian's Red,
I'm sorry we haven't been good friends more than once or twice in the past 4 years. Sometimes you sound good but I don't really miss you since I've got my good sweet tea and two kids to take care of.
Dear suitcase,
Please pack yourself. Thank you.
Dear Rapists, Murderers, and Psychos,
The world would be better off without you. Please stay away from my while I travel and better yet just stay away.
Dear Ceiling Fan,
Thanks for being a piece of crap and not working right. Heaven forbid you not fall apart while I'm using you. I suppose you'd still be working fine if I'd just used the light. Apparently you're in a partnership with ADT because I can't reach you either.
Dear Husband,
I'm sorry that once again, the M&M's didn't make it to you. I have this need for chocolate and out of concern for you in case they melted, I felt that it was best that I eat them beforehand.
Dear Garbage Man,
Thank you for not knocking over my trash can this week only because it wasn't out there in time since you changed your route again and didn't tell me. Is it that complicated to stick with a certain time frame?
Dear Postal Worker (Substitute),
206 and 216 are not the same house numbers. Apparently you only realize this if it's a letter but not a package. If I put not at this address on the envelop please don't stick it back in my mailbox. I understand you're busy and can't get the mail delivered before 5pm and I realize that you work for the same government that my husband does so I'll try to cut you some slack - but only if you try to not deliver my packages to my neighbors.
Dear Time Warner Cable,
Thanks for your crappy expensive service. What I'm even more grateful for is that when I paid off my balance a couple of months after stopping service you neglected to notify the collection agency so now I'm getting letters about a balance that I don't owe and it's on my credit report. Oh and a big thank you for when I called you and you kept me on hold for 15 minutes, only to hang up on me by mistake. Glad I happened to do that survey so you got an earful from me when you asked for my feedback. Have a great day.
Dear Chase bank,
I closed my line of credit with you in February so it would be great if you didn't tell me that I still have available credit. I hate you and have no desire to have any additional products with you and will celebrate a year from now when my auto loan is paid off and I can bid you farewell.
Dear Deployment,
I hate you, I hate you, you suck.
