I stumbled across this awhile back and even though my husband isn't deployed anymore these emotions will always be with me from when he was away.
Wings of Hope
By: Kelly Rossi
I’m the one you walk past in Wal-Mart smelling a man’s brand of deodorant and buying the same brand of shower gel. I’m trying to remember his smell.
I’m the one you see in the back of the church, a tear running down my face as the congregation prays for our country and our troops. He’s one of them.
I’m the one you beep at for sitting at a green light. I was looking at the flag blowing in the breeze at the corner gas station and thinking of all it means to me, to him, and to our life together.
I’m the one with a trunk full of flat rate boxes and customs forms, I know my local postal workers by name. The package I send him every pay day makes him seem close to me.
I’m the one with a funny looking decal in the back windshield of my car, you wonder where it came from and if it might mean something. He gave it to me before he left, it’s his MOS and we are proud.
I’m the one you walk past at work everyday; you notice the pin on my shirt but never bother to ask why I wear it. It’s the crest of the unit he serves with; I’ll wear it everyday until he comes back home.
I’m the one you walk past as I completely fall apart and lose it because I left my cell phone at home. You might think “it’s just a phone”, but it’s the life line of my marriage and it was his day to call.
I’m the one you have labeled as quiet or reserved, the one who is never really part of anything, you don’t know I wear the far - a- way look because my heart boarded the plane with his.
I’m the one that hears "tell him I say thanks, that I’m praying for him" at least once a day, and I always tell him for you, but I can’t help but think, who prays for me as I continue to do my best to serve him.
I’m the one that nods right along as you say that you understand or that it’s better now with the internet. I know that it is, but what you don’t know is that nothing will ever replace the joy of receiving a letter or that the webcams and instant messenger just remind me of all the million little things about him that I love and miss.
I’m the one that is so used to saying I’m fine, to being numb, to missing him, that I can’t remember any other way to be. I wonder at times if the ‘fine’ he tells me is the same ‘fine’ that I seem to be these days.
I’m the one that hates Friday and Saturday nights as I sit alone at home. I’m in a new town and don’t know anyone to hang out with. The weekends remind me my best friend isn’t here to show me around and make the best of a new place together.
I’m the one that eats more frozen dinners now because I don’t want to cook for just myself. The one who six months ago couldn’t picture myself eating out alone; but have since taken it to an art-form, no longer even needing a book or headphones to displace the emptiness of a nice restaurant.
I’m the one that is as strong and patriotic as the hero I married, not because I stand on the frontlines but because I stay behind stoking the home-fires for months on end with a quiet resolve not unlike the one that personifies him.
I’m the one that tells an ACU teddy bear or the moon goodnight that I love you, because it makes me feel less lonely and because I hope he somehow hears or feels it.
I’m the one that turns the porch light on at sunset to light his way back home, to me, to our life together, to the love and the good times we once shared.
I’m the wife of an American Solider; I’m the hope that lives within him after storm clouded days. The freedom from war that gives wings to his heart, may they reach across the miles and bind our hearts together against all that we must face in this world.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
25 Things About Me
Fine, I'll do this so people stop tagging me.
RULE: Once you've been tagged you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you it's because I want to know more about you.
1. I am a motherless daughter and my relationship with my dad is strained at times.
2. I was in a foster home until I was adopted at 10 weeks and I reunited with my birth mother and two sisters when I was 29. My biological father was killed in a motorcycle accident when I was 7 so I never met him.
3. I grew up being the younger of two siblings but now I have 1 older brother, 2 younger sisters, 1 younger half sister, and 1 older stepsister.
4. I drink sweet tea like my life depends on it. Sometimes I prefer my tea to brew in the sun instead of on the counter.
5. I enjoy cooking and baking but I caught my kitchen on fire the other day so that may change.
6. I have written literally hundreds of poems, mostly about broken hearts and loss. It helped me cope at one time.
7. I was married in 1997 and 2003 respectively. I don't plan on marrying again. I was engaged to my husband for all of 4 days before we were married but I had known him since 2000.
8. I have Graves Disease and I'm starting to inherit rheumatoid arthritis as well.
9. My family used to camp all summer long on a lake and I'm still friends with some of the people I met there. My favorite trip was exploring out west.
10. I've never (so far) had a ticket and I've been driving for 16 years.
11. I once drank 6 beers, 9 mixed drinks, and did 15 jello shots at a bachelorette party one night.
12. I still have the medal I received for a floor routine I did in gymnastics when I was 10.
13. I've had two c sections and I think the second one was much easier.
14. I've worked for some really great companies.
15. I've known my best friend for 26 years. We met in 1st grade when we accidentally wore the same outfit to school - a teal and purple striped turtleneck, purple corduroy pants, white knee socks, and navy blue shoes with a white velcro stripe.
16. I'm still angry and probably always will be angry that the Army messed up the notification process and didn't want to talk to me when Paul was injured. They never apologized after realizing their mistake which might have helped.
17. I procrastinate and I'm disorganized and I hate it. My husband is anal about being neat. Needless to say we clash.
18. I'm just a little sarcastic at times.
19. I used to draw and write stories and wanted to be an author or an illustrator when I grew up. I still want to finish my degree in graphic design but for now I'm working on getting certified as a medical coding specialist because it's faster.
20. I'm not a kid person but I like mine. I love having the opportunity to stay home with my kids and appreciate every minute, even when they drive me nuts. I know they won't always be little and I don't want them to grow up too fast and I missed it.
21. I'm terrified of spiders and fires. I'm having an extremely difficult time seeing the burned out shell of my kitchen appliances and all the ashes.
22. I did a lot of snowmobiling with my family growing up and loved living in the country.
23. I have a hard time feeling safe because my childhood home was broken into 3 times and two of my vehicles were broken into and a third was stolen for a joyride.
24. I had played the scenario in my mind of what would happen if my husband had been KIA but never prepared for him being wounded. I'll always be grateful that he came back alive.
25. I like being myself. I'm not perfect but I'm always me.
19. I moved across the country when I was 34 weeks pregnant.
RULE: Once you've been tagged you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you it's because I want to know more about you.
1. I am a motherless daughter and my relationship with my dad is strained at times.
2. I was in a foster home until I was adopted at 10 weeks and I reunited with my birth mother and two sisters when I was 29. My biological father was killed in a motorcycle accident when I was 7 so I never met him.
3. I grew up being the younger of two siblings but now I have 1 older brother, 2 younger sisters, 1 younger half sister, and 1 older stepsister.
4. I drink sweet tea like my life depends on it. Sometimes I prefer my tea to brew in the sun instead of on the counter.
5. I enjoy cooking and baking but I caught my kitchen on fire the other day so that may change.
6. I have written literally hundreds of poems, mostly about broken hearts and loss. It helped me cope at one time.
7. I was married in 1997 and 2003 respectively. I don't plan on marrying again. I was engaged to my husband for all of 4 days before we were married but I had known him since 2000.
8. I have Graves Disease and I'm starting to inherit rheumatoid arthritis as well.
9. My family used to camp all summer long on a lake and I'm still friends with some of the people I met there. My favorite trip was exploring out west.
10. I've never (so far) had a ticket and I've been driving for 16 years.
11. I once drank 6 beers, 9 mixed drinks, and did 15 jello shots at a bachelorette party one night.
12. I still have the medal I received for a floor routine I did in gymnastics when I was 10.
13. I've had two c sections and I think the second one was much easier.
14. I've worked for some really great companies.
15. I've known my best friend for 26 years. We met in 1st grade when we accidentally wore the same outfit to school - a teal and purple striped turtleneck, purple corduroy pants, white knee socks, and navy blue shoes with a white velcro stripe.
16. I'm still angry and probably always will be angry that the Army messed up the notification process and didn't want to talk to me when Paul was injured. They never apologized after realizing their mistake which might have helped.
17. I procrastinate and I'm disorganized and I hate it. My husband is anal about being neat. Needless to say we clash.
18. I'm just a little sarcastic at times.
19. I used to draw and write stories and wanted to be an author or an illustrator when I grew up. I still want to finish my degree in graphic design but for now I'm working on getting certified as a medical coding specialist because it's faster.
20. I'm not a kid person but I like mine. I love having the opportunity to stay home with my kids and appreciate every minute, even when they drive me nuts. I know they won't always be little and I don't want them to grow up too fast and I missed it.
21. I'm terrified of spiders and fires. I'm having an extremely difficult time seeing the burned out shell of my kitchen appliances and all the ashes.
22. I did a lot of snowmobiling with my family growing up and loved living in the country.
23. I have a hard time feeling safe because my childhood home was broken into 3 times and two of my vehicles were broken into and a third was stolen for a joyride.
24. I had played the scenario in my mind of what would happen if my husband had been KIA but never prepared for him being wounded. I'll always be grateful that he came back alive.
25. I like being myself. I'm not perfect but I'm always me.
19. I moved across the country when I was 34 weeks pregnant.
Monday, January 5, 2009
If Roses Grow In Heaven
If roses grow in Heaven,
Lord please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother’s arms,
and tell her they’re from me.
Tell her I love and miss her,
and when she turns to smile.
Place a kiss upon her cheek,
and hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day.
But there’s an ache within my heart,
that will never go away.
(Remembering my mom, August 10, 1944 - January 5, 2004)
Lord please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother’s arms,
and tell her they’re from me.
Tell her I love and miss her,
and when she turns to smile.
Place a kiss upon her cheek,
and hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day.
But there’s an ache within my heart,
that will never go away.
(Remembering my mom, August 10, 1944 - January 5, 2004)
Friday, January 2, 2009
6 Months Later
Well it’s been six months since an IED ripped through Paul’s arm and he began his long journey of healing. I can’t say that it’s gone by fast because those weeks, months in the hotel where our lives revolved around the hospital. When he came home it was to a completely different house in a different town so it was one adjustment after another. Even through all of it he has come a long way in his healing process. There is still a long way to go and I’m sure there always will be. It hasn’t been easy, it’s been trying and we’ve had days where our marriage has struggled and we’ve argued a lot.
He still continues daily therapy and has gotten back what seems to be about 25% of the use in his hand. I don’t know if that’s a high estimate but he can pick up and hold onto objects that are lightweight for just a short period of time or open a door that’s not too heavy. He’s still on all the asthma and allergy medications but is getting by when he’s not around animals or other stuff that causes him more lung problems. His arm and his hand still both look the same but he is supposed to have 2 or 3 more surgeries starting in a couple of months to reconstruct it and make the ball appearance less noticable.
His side has healed pretty well although just recently he said it has started hurting again in one area. I don’t know what brought that on but it’s enough concern for him to mention it to the doctor. Because his side wasn’t damaged from the IED and caused by his arm being attached to it for 6 weeks and being infected, he’s had issues with the military not wanting to count it towards his disability. That’s also the case with his tailbone problems which more than likely happened over there. I hope he doesn’t have another battle on his hands trying to deal with that since that was part of the process of rebuilding his arm.
We’re hoping he’ll get at least 30% VA disability but with the luck he has he’ll probably come in just shy of it to not get the benefits he wants. Supposedly the PTSD will be grandfathered in from the first deployment since I guess they stopped giving a rating for that. They did say he doesn’t have TBI which given some of the other symptoms and signs he’s had seems a little inacurate. Nonetheless I’m not a doctor and I would rather he not have to deal with that than have it just to get a higher rating but I worry that he does and it’s being ignored. The Army is notorious for losing medical records so I guess we’ll see what happens when it’s all said and done.
Of course the first week he got to BAMC they started talking about sending him to the promotion board. I figured if I didn’t mention it to anybody then it might actually happen for a change. Once again it gets mentioned and then doesn’t happen. It’s been 8 years now that he’s been at this rank so it’s probably not going to happen. I should’ve bet his squad leader that he wasn’t going to get promoted when we all were talking about it before he left. I remember hearing someone complain about being stuck at the same rank for 3 years and Paul said don’t even get me started and rolled his eyes. In his words the disappointments and lies have made his decision to be done with the Army easy. He knows he’ll never be able to be a fire fighter again so he starts school in three weeks to get some of his certifications done first so at least he can get paid for sitting on his butt at the computer lol. He’s learned to adapt to a standard keyboard, and although he types a whole lot slower, he seems to do alright.
I keep thinking that I need to sit down and blog about the whole phone call and finding out he was wounded. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the events of that morning and the days that followed. I will always be grateful that he came back alive but it certain turned our world upside down.
He still continues daily therapy and has gotten back what seems to be about 25% of the use in his hand. I don’t know if that’s a high estimate but he can pick up and hold onto objects that are lightweight for just a short period of time or open a door that’s not too heavy. He’s still on all the asthma and allergy medications but is getting by when he’s not around animals or other stuff that causes him more lung problems. His arm and his hand still both look the same but he is supposed to have 2 or 3 more surgeries starting in a couple of months to reconstruct it and make the ball appearance less noticable.
His side has healed pretty well although just recently he said it has started hurting again in one area. I don’t know what brought that on but it’s enough concern for him to mention it to the doctor. Because his side wasn’t damaged from the IED and caused by his arm being attached to it for 6 weeks and being infected, he’s had issues with the military not wanting to count it towards his disability. That’s also the case with his tailbone problems which more than likely happened over there. I hope he doesn’t have another battle on his hands trying to deal with that since that was part of the process of rebuilding his arm.
We’re hoping he’ll get at least 30% VA disability but with the luck he has he’ll probably come in just shy of it to not get the benefits he wants. Supposedly the PTSD will be grandfathered in from the first deployment since I guess they stopped giving a rating for that. They did say he doesn’t have TBI which given some of the other symptoms and signs he’s had seems a little inacurate. Nonetheless I’m not a doctor and I would rather he not have to deal with that than have it just to get a higher rating but I worry that he does and it’s being ignored. The Army is notorious for losing medical records so I guess we’ll see what happens when it’s all said and done.
Of course the first week he got to BAMC they started talking about sending him to the promotion board. I figured if I didn’t mention it to anybody then it might actually happen for a change. Once again it gets mentioned and then doesn’t happen. It’s been 8 years now that he’s been at this rank so it’s probably not going to happen. I should’ve bet his squad leader that he wasn’t going to get promoted when we all were talking about it before he left. I remember hearing someone complain about being stuck at the same rank for 3 years and Paul said don’t even get me started and rolled his eyes. In his words the disappointments and lies have made his decision to be done with the Army easy. He knows he’ll never be able to be a fire fighter again so he starts school in three weeks to get some of his certifications done first so at least he can get paid for sitting on his butt at the computer lol. He’s learned to adapt to a standard keyboard, and although he types a whole lot slower, he seems to do alright.
I keep thinking that I need to sit down and blog about the whole phone call and finding out he was wounded. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the events of that morning and the days that followed. I will always be grateful that he came back alive but it certain turned our world upside down.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Injury List - Updated 12/7/09
Throughout the ordeal Paul has had:
14 surgeries, plastic surgery will be in the future
His left arm sewn to his side for 6 weeks
Severed tendons where the shrapnal sliced through
10cm section missing from his ulnar nerve from shrapnel
Severed ulnar artery that’s still not pumping blood as well as it should causing numbness, lack of movement and sensitivity to hot and cold
Burns throughout his hand and arm from the blast
Tennis ball size chunk of flesh missing from his forearm
Damaged, missing tissue from his hand and arm
Piece of his thumb missing, cuts throughout his fingers
MRSA staph infection
Other infections
Groin flap to repair the missing skin and tissue leaving a 10 inch scar along his side, over an inch wide in some places
Diminished lung capacity, breathing at 60%
Fractured and bruised tailbone
Chronic back spasms
Tininitus
PTSD (tested negative for TBI)
14 surgeries, plastic surgery will be in the future
His left arm sewn to his side for 6 weeks
Severed tendons where the shrapnal sliced through
10cm section missing from his ulnar nerve from shrapnel
Severed ulnar artery that’s still not pumping blood as well as it should causing numbness, lack of movement and sensitivity to hot and cold
Burns throughout his hand and arm from the blast
Tennis ball size chunk of flesh missing from his forearm
Damaged, missing tissue from his hand and arm
Piece of his thumb missing, cuts throughout his fingers
MRSA staph infection
Other infections
Groin flap to repair the missing skin and tissue leaving a 10 inch scar along his side, over an inch wide in some places
Diminished lung capacity, breathing at 60%
Fractured and bruised tailbone
Chronic back spasms
Tininitus
PTSD (tested negative for TBI)
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Some New Stuff Going On
It’s hard to believe that Paul was wounded 5 months ago already. It seems like so long ago that the kids and I were living in the hotel, our days centered around visiting him at BAMC yet it was only a few months ago. Sometimes I stop and realize how quickly our lives changed and how different things turned out. He would’ve been deployed for 8 months now and it feels like he was never gone in the first place. I’m glad he’s out of Afghanistan (please still keep his unit in your thoughts and prayers though) but the transition hasn’t been that easy. Some days are pretty normal but other days I think I’m ready to send him back. Not really of course but sometimes he’s a little difficult to live with. It’s not so much the physical injuries but the emotional ones are the ones that make it harder. It seems like he’ll fly off the handle at the slightest things, mostly directed at me but also directed the kids. It’s been a battle all on it’s own just to get him to apologize for his behavior and take some accountability for acting that way. I don’t know if he’ll ever be a happy person but his behavior resembles bipolar disorder at times so it’s frustrating.
As far as the physical stuff goes, his arm and left side are doing a lot better. His arm still looks disfigured (his word, not mine) and will until he goes in for plastic surgery to reconstruct that part of his arm. The scar on his side is healing although it’s over an inch wide in some parts and completely covers that side of his waist, being about 9 or 10 inches in length.
One thing I haven’t mentioned before is his tailbone. It’s always been tender for him and being in the hospital for as long as he was just made it so much worse. Upon further examination, his doctor determined that at some point he fractured his tailbone. The bone itself is bruised and that’s probably causing him the most pain out of everything. He’s not been on any pain, sleep, or mood medications for a month or so now and he’s pretty much stuck having to live with his tailbone the way it is because they can’t do anything to fix it.
A few weeks ago we took a trip up north to see our family. Paul has always been allergic to cats and some dogs but it’s only been a problem when he’s been around them or people with enough of the pet dander on their clothes. This time, however, he was still having problems when we got back. I suggested he mention it at his next doctors appointment so he could get some prescription allergy meds. The doctor sent him home with a plethera of medications, inhalers, etc, none of which really seemed to help. So then they decided to do a Total Lung Capacity (TLC) test to check his breathing. The doctor and his nurses were surprised at the results and that he was living a pretty normal life. I guess the test determined that his lungs were only functioning at 60%. They think the other 40% had been lost due to smoking (until he was wounded he had smoked for 24 years), his allergies and possibly asthma, and some of the smoke and poisonous gases from fire fighting when he was in Iraq.
So Friday he goes in for more tests to find out what caused the lung disease. I told him this means he’ll probably never be a smoker again and he said “why not?” I said it sounded like the lack of oxygen has gone to his brain already. I think he was being sarcastic but since he had smoked for so long I know it’s been hard to completely walk away from it. None the less I’ve seen my mom being kept alive by a heart and lung machine and it’s not a pretty sight so I know that diminished lung capacity isn’t something to take lightly. If Friday’s tests do find smoking as the main cause, I’m not going to say I told you so because the bottom line is that the damage is already done and we need to figure out what to do to prevent more from happening.
Aside from all that we will be going home for Christmas this year. We haven’t been “home” for Christmas since before he went active duty so we’re looking forward to it. That would be the holiday itself, not the cold. It’s been in the 70’s most days lately which has been wonderful but it hasn’t felt like a winter wonderland by any means. So while I’m hoping for a white Christmas this year, I hope it doesn’t stick around because we’ll have to leave shortly after because he has to be back on the 29th for another doctor’s appointment, thanks to his wonderful (note sarcasm) case manager. Two of the case managers he’s had have been fired, the one from the hospital who I used to rant about and one that I liked. The one now is the one who tried to say he was lying about having a PICC line because she couldn’t see it (it was covered by his clothes) and then tried to prevent him from going to Ft Hood to get our stuff moved by saying he wasn’t well enough to travel and that it was too far even though he had everything okay’d by his doctor. Then earlier this week she called my cell phone twice started at 7:03am leaving a message for him that she hadn’t seen him since he’d been back from leave. He got back the week of Thanksgiving which was a two day work week for the military so I don’t know why she was so worked up. It’s not like she doesn’t have his phone number either because the old one forwards to the new one. I think she just enjoys being a witch and making transitioning soldiers lives more difficult. Paul won’t let me go to his appointments with her probably because he knows I’ll tell her what I think of her. I just don’t think she’s the right person for the job that’s all.
As far as the physical stuff goes, his arm and left side are doing a lot better. His arm still looks disfigured (his word, not mine) and will until he goes in for plastic surgery to reconstruct that part of his arm. The scar on his side is healing although it’s over an inch wide in some parts and completely covers that side of his waist, being about 9 or 10 inches in length.
One thing I haven’t mentioned before is his tailbone. It’s always been tender for him and being in the hospital for as long as he was just made it so much worse. Upon further examination, his doctor determined that at some point he fractured his tailbone. The bone itself is bruised and that’s probably causing him the most pain out of everything. He’s not been on any pain, sleep, or mood medications for a month or so now and he’s pretty much stuck having to live with his tailbone the way it is because they can’t do anything to fix it.
A few weeks ago we took a trip up north to see our family. Paul has always been allergic to cats and some dogs but it’s only been a problem when he’s been around them or people with enough of the pet dander on their clothes. This time, however, he was still having problems when we got back. I suggested he mention it at his next doctors appointment so he could get some prescription allergy meds. The doctor sent him home with a plethera of medications, inhalers, etc, none of which really seemed to help. So then they decided to do a Total Lung Capacity (TLC) test to check his breathing. The doctor and his nurses were surprised at the results and that he was living a pretty normal life. I guess the test determined that his lungs were only functioning at 60%. They think the other 40% had been lost due to smoking (until he was wounded he had smoked for 24 years), his allergies and possibly asthma, and some of the smoke and poisonous gases from fire fighting when he was in Iraq.
So Friday he goes in for more tests to find out what caused the lung disease. I told him this means he’ll probably never be a smoker again and he said “why not?” I said it sounded like the lack of oxygen has gone to his brain already. I think he was being sarcastic but since he had smoked for so long I know it’s been hard to completely walk away from it. None the less I’ve seen my mom being kept alive by a heart and lung machine and it’s not a pretty sight so I know that diminished lung capacity isn’t something to take lightly. If Friday’s tests do find smoking as the main cause, I’m not going to say I told you so because the bottom line is that the damage is already done and we need to figure out what to do to prevent more from happening.
Aside from all that we will be going home for Christmas this year. We haven’t been “home” for Christmas since before he went active duty so we’re looking forward to it. That would be the holiday itself, not the cold. It’s been in the 70’s most days lately which has been wonderful but it hasn’t felt like a winter wonderland by any means. So while I’m hoping for a white Christmas this year, I hope it doesn’t stick around because we’ll have to leave shortly after because he has to be back on the 29th for another doctor’s appointment, thanks to his wonderful (note sarcasm) case manager. Two of the case managers he’s had have been fired, the one from the hospital who I used to rant about and one that I liked. The one now is the one who tried to say he was lying about having a PICC line because she couldn’t see it (it was covered by his clothes) and then tried to prevent him from going to Ft Hood to get our stuff moved by saying he wasn’t well enough to travel and that it was too far even though he had everything okay’d by his doctor. Then earlier this week she called my cell phone twice started at 7:03am leaving a message for him that she hadn’t seen him since he’d been back from leave. He got back the week of Thanksgiving which was a two day work week for the military so I don’t know why she was so worked up. It’s not like she doesn’t have his phone number either because the old one forwards to the new one. I think she just enjoys being a witch and making transitioning soldiers lives more difficult. Paul won’t let me go to his appointments with her probably because he knows I’ll tell her what I think of her. I just don’t think she’s the right person for the job that’s all.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
It's Been Awhile....
I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last blogged. It might not seem that long for some people but it is for me. I just haven’t really been in the mood to sit down and type anything. We’re still getting used to the new house and the changes in our lives. Most things have stayed the same but some stuff is new. I don’t have to help Paul tie his shoes anymore lol. My 36 year old husband learned to tie his shoes with one hand and occasionally one hand and his teeth. Hey you do what works right? His whole arm continues to be the source of excruciating pain with the exception of the fingers that don’t have feeling and don’t want to work. He has physical therapy daily for at least two hours and he says some days the pain is so bad he’s ready to pass out. They even work out his good arm to keep it strong but even that one feels like one big pulled muscle to him. His side seems to be healing pretty well but bending forward to pick something up takes a whole lot longer and is excruciating for him.
His arm still looks pretty much the same which is what we expected. He had a round of electrotherapy today to help him try and regain feeling and movement. The therapist kept increasing the voltage but Paul had no feeling whatsoever throughout his hand and part of his arm. The therapist said that wasn’t a good sign. The longer it takes for him to get feeling back if at all, the lower the percentage of use he’ll probably get back. After the surgery to repair the ulnar nerve and tendons the surgeon was hoping for him to regain 80% of the use back but it’s not looking like that will be the case. It’s pretty soon to tell but there’s no doubt the ulnar nerve is permanently damaged and he’ll never regain strength in his pinky or ring finger. As it is he may never regain feeling in his pinky. Right now he’s got about as much grip strength in that hand as an infant so he’s still got a long way to go.
Paul has never been a fan of taking medications but he’s got a whole row of them to take at night. The doctor authorized him to take up to 8 Percocets and 4 OxyContins a day if he needs to, in addition to the don’t kill your wife drugs for anti depression and anti psychotics, or in other words to help with the PTSD. Yeah IED wounds are a real blast.
We’re still hoping to make a trip up north soon if not within a few weeks then maybe over Christmas or something. We had to get the paperwork resubmitted for his TSGLI pay. What should’ve taken 30 days to process has so far taken almost 3 months. His original application never turned up and it turns out roughly 500 individual claims were never submitted or just ended up lost somewhere. Granted the Army forced the MSG who was in charge of this stuff to retire but that doesn’t make me feel any better about one more opportunity for my husbands social security number to be floating around who knows where. I guess there’s nothing to do but just wait and follow up by the end of the week or early next if we haven’t heard anything. It’s just frustrating to not be able to do anything about it but I have a lot of faith in the person handling it now that he’ll get it taken care of.
Aside from that the kids are doing well, still heathens as usual. The other day when I was upstairs folding laundry Kaiden was down in the kitchen taking all my cookbooks off the rack thing that I have and tearing pages out. I was so upset because most of the ones he tore through were from my mom and were wedding gifts in 1965. I didn’t want to hide them away in a cabinet where I couldn’t easily flip through them (I’m short okay) so I had them displayed on a nice kitchen rack with shelves. During this meltdown, Paul in his infinate wisdom took the opportunity to point out that it’s common sense not to have them where he can get at them. That was so the wrong time to point that out, regardless of it being true or not. He must’ve sensed this because he and the kids disappeared upstairs for a good hour which left me some uninterrupted time to sit on the floor in tears trying to repair the cookbooks. It upsets me now to even write about it because you can’t even know what it’s like to lose someone like that unless you’ve been there. It’s hard enough for me just to go through and pick out recipes and see the smudges and the creased pages that I remember seeing open on the countertop dusted with flour. My mom was such a great cook, she was that room mom type of mom who was always involved in our school activities and we always had dinner together every night as a family. She’d make turkey dinners just out of the blue and pancakes every Sunday morning before church. It was those traditions and family time that I’ll always cherish and wish I would’ve appreciated more at the time.
Having my husband wounded has really opened my eyes about how precious life is and how we never know what’s going to happen. We shouldn’t take any moment for granted and we should enjoy the time we have. Had Paul been in a different vehicle I’d be writing this as an Army widow. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that and how that could’ve been our reality. It just makes me stop and think about how different things could’ve been.
His arm still looks pretty much the same which is what we expected. He had a round of electrotherapy today to help him try and regain feeling and movement. The therapist kept increasing the voltage but Paul had no feeling whatsoever throughout his hand and part of his arm. The therapist said that wasn’t a good sign. The longer it takes for him to get feeling back if at all, the lower the percentage of use he’ll probably get back. After the surgery to repair the ulnar nerve and tendons the surgeon was hoping for him to regain 80% of the use back but it’s not looking like that will be the case. It’s pretty soon to tell but there’s no doubt the ulnar nerve is permanently damaged and he’ll never regain strength in his pinky or ring finger. As it is he may never regain feeling in his pinky. Right now he’s got about as much grip strength in that hand as an infant so he’s still got a long way to go.
Paul has never been a fan of taking medications but he’s got a whole row of them to take at night. The doctor authorized him to take up to 8 Percocets and 4 OxyContins a day if he needs to, in addition to the don’t kill your wife drugs for anti depression and anti psychotics, or in other words to help with the PTSD. Yeah IED wounds are a real blast.
We’re still hoping to make a trip up north soon if not within a few weeks then maybe over Christmas or something. We had to get the paperwork resubmitted for his TSGLI pay. What should’ve taken 30 days to process has so far taken almost 3 months. His original application never turned up and it turns out roughly 500 individual claims were never submitted or just ended up lost somewhere. Granted the Army forced the MSG who was in charge of this stuff to retire but that doesn’t make me feel any better about one more opportunity for my husbands social security number to be floating around who knows where. I guess there’s nothing to do but just wait and follow up by the end of the week or early next if we haven’t heard anything. It’s just frustrating to not be able to do anything about it but I have a lot of faith in the person handling it now that he’ll get it taken care of.
Aside from that the kids are doing well, still heathens as usual. The other day when I was upstairs folding laundry Kaiden was down in the kitchen taking all my cookbooks off the rack thing that I have and tearing pages out. I was so upset because most of the ones he tore through were from my mom and were wedding gifts in 1965. I didn’t want to hide them away in a cabinet where I couldn’t easily flip through them (I’m short okay) so I had them displayed on a nice kitchen rack with shelves. During this meltdown, Paul in his infinate wisdom took the opportunity to point out that it’s common sense not to have them where he can get at them. That was so the wrong time to point that out, regardless of it being true or not. He must’ve sensed this because he and the kids disappeared upstairs for a good hour which left me some uninterrupted time to sit on the floor in tears trying to repair the cookbooks. It upsets me now to even write about it because you can’t even know what it’s like to lose someone like that unless you’ve been there. It’s hard enough for me just to go through and pick out recipes and see the smudges and the creased pages that I remember seeing open on the countertop dusted with flour. My mom was such a great cook, she was that room mom type of mom who was always involved in our school activities and we always had dinner together every night as a family. She’d make turkey dinners just out of the blue and pancakes every Sunday morning before church. It was those traditions and family time that I’ll always cherish and wish I would’ve appreciated more at the time.
Having my husband wounded has really opened my eyes about how precious life is and how we never know what’s going to happen. We shouldn’t take any moment for granted and we should enjoy the time we have. Had Paul been in a different vehicle I’d be writing this as an Army widow. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that and how that could’ve been our reality. It just makes me stop and think about how different things could’ve been.
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