The day that I actually drove out of town went smooth right up until it was time for me to leave. Then I cried for a good hour. I asked my husband to please remind me of how unhappy I was during our stay in TX and to tell me that he's jealous that I'm on my way to TN. He did both and then also reminded me that this was not Iraq or Afghanistan, it was just TN and to suck it up. I told him that it was easier to leave his grumpy butt behind but as a mom I wondered if it would be completely irrational for me to drive over to our daughter's school and throw her in the car with me.
I'm happy to say that it's gone pretty well so far thanks largely in part to Skype. I was worried about her being around my husband with his PTSD and temper but that hasn't been an issue at all. I honestly think the break has been good in some ways, although I miss them both, it's given me back some of my independence that I had lost. It's also given our kids one on one time and they are more excited to see each other online and talk about their days.
While in TN, I was fortunate to have the opportunity to stay with another wounded warrior wife and friend who was gracious enough to open up her home to my son and me. It's a lot to ask anyone to share a home with my rambunctious 4 year old. On a whim, I found a house to rent that felt like it was meant to be and came available at just the right time. My www friend went with me to look at it and two days later I was signing the lease. After that I decided to give her a break and have her whole house back and I took my son up to IL to spend some time with my in laws. The great thing about that is being the youngest grandchild, my son has never gotten the chance to have his grandparents all to himself and he has been enjoying all of the attention. He's still testing his limits with his behavior but we're working on that. I've heard stuff about how red dye #40 can affect a child's behavior and started noticing a pattern with his, particularly after eating something that has it. He gets so crazy and out of control until he calms down that I'm just going to eliminate it from his diet altogether. We'll start with that and keep working to overhaul the rest of his diet gradually. He's definitely not on track with some of his development, and even though I've repeatedly mentioned this to our PCM, she doesn't seem overly concerned. We'll have a new doctor/pediatrician and that will be one of the first things I bring up.
The sad part is that my kids have only ever known my husband with PTSD. My 6 year old was born during the deployment when the PTSD started. My husband left when my son was about 15 months old and he was blown up on the day he hit 18 months, so his only real memories are of his daddy being broken. I'm starting to realize just how much impact his being wounded has had on the kids. You don't hear too much about it but it's been traumatic for all of us, especially them. I think we have our work cut out for us to mend this family and get ourselves back on track.
I'm getting ready to hit the road once again. This time we're off to MI to see more friends and family. The movers are coming this week and hopefully my husband and daughter can start heading this way soon. Since I've been gone, I had to miss my husband's retirement ceremony. Fortunately someone took video of it so I did get to see it and see my daughter pin his latest commendation medal on him. I can't help but feel like the absentee wife because they acknowledged me and gave me an award for support and sacrifice, but didn't explain why I wasn't there even though I knew. I feel like people saw that and thought great, what did his wife have to do that was more important than being there for her husband's retirement ceremony? Obviously my husband understands completely and could care less what anyone thinks, he was annoyed that he had to be there.
I also have to miss my daughter's awards ceremony at school. (I don't know how my husband dealt with being gone for a year and missing out, I suck at it). She's got all A's again this quarter and I'm so proud of her. I hope when she has to switch schools that she keeps up and doesn't feel too overwhelmed. She's painfully shy and even though I'm sure the kids at her new school will like her, it's always tough to start over and not know anyone. Plus we love her teacher now, she's just amazing. I cried when I told her we were leaving. I don't know where all of these emotions keep coming out from but it goes against my need to be strong and survive. :)
Now if I could just find someone to hire me so I can go back to work full time, I will be all set. I feel renewed and I'm grateful for the fresh start but at the same time this whole transition keeps me feeling stressed. I'm not sure I really know how to just be calm anymore or what to do if things work out without too much trouble. A smooth transition still feels like unknown territory to me. I keep looking for a paper bag to hyperventilate into. I think I will relax once I have a job so I pray that someone will take a chance on me...soon.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Bittersweet
Today I am packing and loading up the Jeep so I can hit the road early tomorrow. Looking back it feels like the past four years just flew by, although there were many times when I was sure there was never going to be an end in sight. I'll never hear the end of it for saying this, but part of me is a little sad to be leaving. Not that I've ever loved it here or even liked it some of the time, but so much has happened in our lives in the few years we've been here. Much of that was emotionally charged and it's hard to believe at times that we survived some of the stuff that was thrown our way.
It's hard for me to leave half of my family behind for the time being but I know they will be along soon enough. I was hoping that upon getting out of the military that this would finally be the one move that my husband and I could pick out a house together but yet again it's not going to happen. It's kind of a joke between us, but we've never picked out a home together in our entire marriage. I even have a new POA to take with me when I sign a new lease.
What I wasn't expecting were the mixed emotions that I've been having. In some ways it's hard to leave that safety net behind. Not just the military in general but the WTB. I find it oddly comforting to be around other warriors and their families who have been through some of the experiences our family has. We're fortunate enough to be moving to a location where I already know a few wounded warrior wives, plus my best friend is moving close by this summer. I don't want to make the mistake of shying away from people like I did here and in central TX. I want to get out and meet more people and feel as "normal" as possible. I don't want to feel like my husband's injuries are the focus of our lives all the time. There's no question that what happened changed the entire course of our lives. It took us in a completely different direction than what we had originally planned. I have some regrets and wish I would've done some stuff differently but it was all part of the recovery process - for all of us.
It's hard for me to leave half of my family behind for the time being but I know they will be along soon enough. I was hoping that upon getting out of the military that this would finally be the one move that my husband and I could pick out a house together but yet again it's not going to happen. It's kind of a joke between us, but we've never picked out a home together in our entire marriage. I even have a new POA to take with me when I sign a new lease.
What I wasn't expecting were the mixed emotions that I've been having. In some ways it's hard to leave that safety net behind. Not just the military in general but the WTB. I find it oddly comforting to be around other warriors and their families who have been through some of the experiences our family has. We're fortunate enough to be moving to a location where I already know a few wounded warrior wives, plus my best friend is moving close by this summer. I don't want to make the mistake of shying away from people like I did here and in central TX. I want to get out and meet more people and feel as "normal" as possible. I don't want to feel like my husband's injuries are the focus of our lives all the time. There's no question that what happened changed the entire course of our lives. It took us in a completely different direction than what we had originally planned. I have some regrets and wish I would've done some stuff differently but it was all part of the recovery process - for all of us.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Things I am Grateful for this Week
1. Turning 34 and receiving a bouquet of roses and a card from my husband, a card that he picked up for the kids to give me and a hand drawn card from my daughter.
2. Despite another round of germs invading the house this week, my husband's unit was nice enough to tell him that he didn't have to come in for formation this morning so that he could take our daughter to school and I could stay home with our son who seemed to favor a temperature of 102 degrees for the past three days.
3. Our daughter's teacher for not assigning any homework all week until today. It was a nice little break. Also for being such an awesome teacher and being sensitive to what's going on with our move and finding out that truancy isn't going to be an issue if we decide to pull our daughter out of school for a week or two.
4. The military, for what originally seemed like they were throwing a wrench into our plans but what really amounted to closing a door and opening a window for a new plan.
5. An amazing supportive group of friends from all over the world who sent me tons of birthday wishes and who keep me going when things start getting a little overwhelming.
2. Despite another round of germs invading the house this week, my husband's unit was nice enough to tell him that he didn't have to come in for formation this morning so that he could take our daughter to school and I could stay home with our son who seemed to favor a temperature of 102 degrees for the past three days.
3. Our daughter's teacher for not assigning any homework all week until today. It was a nice little break. Also for being such an awesome teacher and being sensitive to what's going on with our move and finding out that truancy isn't going to be an issue if we decide to pull our daughter out of school for a week or two.
4. The military, for what originally seemed like they were throwing a wrench into our plans but what really amounted to closing a door and opening a window for a new plan.
5. An amazing supportive group of friends from all over the world who sent me tons of birthday wishes and who keep me going when things start getting a little overwhelming.
Friday, February 25, 2011
The Joys of PTSD
I hate PTSD.
He tells me something and then contradicts himself 10 minutes later and then yells at me for not listening to him when I question it.
Then he follows that up by telling me not to talk to him anymore because he's frustrated with me.
Maybe if I didn't have to pry information out of him practically with a crowbar and learned how to just simply read his mind we could avoid the usual sequence of events.
I used to go to some of his appointments with him so that I could ask the list of questions that he would forget to ask himself. Or when he'd go see his psychologist and claim that none of the PTSD meds did any good, I'd go to the appointment and call him out on his BS.
Finally I just took a step back and let him deal with it. Now he yells at me that he told me to attend these information briefings and to come to his appointments so I would know what was going on so why should he tell me anything at all.
It doesn't take long to learn that when you're married to a wounded warrior with PTSD that you can't do anything right sometimes.
When he's done stomping around and having his fit like a 3 year old we'll go have breakfast and he'll just move on like the whole argument never even happened. Scream at me one minute and then be perfectly calm and back to "normal" the next.
He's also pissed that now that he has his retirement orders in his hands and can finally start out processing but the orders say that he's in the National Guard when he's actually active duty. So since he's pissed about the mistake and it has to be corrected in the system, that gets taken out on me too.
Life is tons of fun sometimes.
He tells me something and then contradicts himself 10 minutes later and then yells at me for not listening to him when I question it.
Then he follows that up by telling me not to talk to him anymore because he's frustrated with me.
Maybe if I didn't have to pry information out of him practically with a crowbar and learned how to just simply read his mind we could avoid the usual sequence of events.
I used to go to some of his appointments with him so that I could ask the list of questions that he would forget to ask himself. Or when he'd go see his psychologist and claim that none of the PTSD meds did any good, I'd go to the appointment and call him out on his BS.
Finally I just took a step back and let him deal with it. Now he yells at me that he told me to attend these information briefings and to come to his appointments so I would know what was going on so why should he tell me anything at all.
It doesn't take long to learn that when you're married to a wounded warrior with PTSD that you can't do anything right sometimes.
When he's done stomping around and having his fit like a 3 year old we'll go have breakfast and he'll just move on like the whole argument never even happened. Scream at me one minute and then be perfectly calm and back to "normal" the next.
He's also pissed that now that he has his retirement orders in his hands and can finally start out processing but the orders say that he's in the National Guard when he's actually active duty. So since he's pissed about the mistake and it has to be corrected in the system, that gets taken out on me too.
Life is tons of fun sometimes.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Struggling
I keep thinking things should be smooth sailing from here on out. I waited for this time to come for almost three years and I should be excited about moving forward. Finally our lives aren't so much in limbo anymore waiting on the military and the VA. Finally I can pack up and move on to the next chapter in our lives and start getting settled. Life should be good, right?
Instead I find myself spending most days hiding away from the world, barely able to get myself out of bed. I feel completely buried under this huge cloud of darkness leaving me with little to no energy. Having to schedule appointments and make commitments suddenly makes me feel anxious and I never want to leave the house. I drag myself to the store as little as possible and only during times when I know there won't be as many people out. I know what I need to do, what needs to get done before I leave and yet I waste each day that comes along and hide under my blankets afraid to go out and face the world.
By all accounts this could very well be due to my hypothyroidism, an automatic gift courtesy of my thyroidectomy 10 months ago. It could also be causing my daily headaches and constant digestive problems. Whatever it is, it's taking away my quality of life in a big hurry and I'm not liking it. I push myself to try to get stuff done but I seem to have this short supply of energy that never goes away. There's so much I want to do and it all just feels like it's out of reach. I struggle to make goals and plans and consistently fall short. It's like I'm trying to keep my head above water and someone or something just pushes me back down.
I keep trying to understand why my plate just feels so full and why life just feels so overwhelming to me when there's plenty of people I know with 10 times as much going on who seem to manage to get stuff done and don't get so burned out. This should be the home stretch of our journey and I should be excited and looking forward to what's ahead, not panicky and feeling sorry for myself. We've been talking about this the entire time he's been here recovering so it's not like it's anything new to me, but I can't seem to get myself out from under this depression. I worry about money and the transition and second guess everything I do. I told someone earlier that I'm not as strong as I seem, I'm just pretty good at hiding things and wearing that fake smile.
I hate that this is happening now, right when I need to be literally moving forward. Although honestly, it's been like this for the past few months. My husband has taken to telling me that I'm lazy and I'll say that I'm going to leave but I never will. Part of me feels guilty for having to leave one of my kids behind with him but I need her to be able to stay in school until we know for sure where we're going to live. I know a big move like this is extremely disruptive to a child on the autism spectrum and she's already starting to have behavior problems at school and at home. By the same token, I desperately need to get my son out of this house and into a new routine. His pediatrician said that we need a referral for a child psychologist where we move because he's feeling some stress because of the chaotic situation we're in. As a parent, I think I'll feel guilty no matter what but if this were just a regular military move, I might feel less pressure and maybe less guilt because it was out of my control.
I think the most frustrating part of this whole mess is that I recognized that there's a problem that needs to be taken care of yet I've gotten no where. I don't understand how anyone else can walk into their doctor's office and ask for some kind of antidepressant and get a prescription, yet I've asked my counselor for a referral and practically begged my doctor (at separate visits) for something to help me and I can't get it. Somehow I fall into the mild to moderate category because I guess I seem pretty sane and don't fall apart. They'd rather just check my thyroid and then simply tell me that it's a side effect and we'll just watch and wait to see how things go. Although if I ever felt the need to harm myself or others they'd gladly lock me up in the psych ward. So does it matter that I'd like to hurt them for not listening to me when I say over and over that I need a little help to balance out my life? Where's the fine line where I can get something so I can at least function a little better? Do they need an itemized crap list of things that come through here and add to the stress?
All I'm asking for is just a little help trying to put our lives back together piece by piece. And just because my husband has come to the end of his military career, does not mean that his recovery is over by any means. Our lives will never be normal again. Most days I can accept that but sometimes I need a little help keeping my sanity. I don't think that's asking too much.
Instead I find myself spending most days hiding away from the world, barely able to get myself out of bed. I feel completely buried under this huge cloud of darkness leaving me with little to no energy. Having to schedule appointments and make commitments suddenly makes me feel anxious and I never want to leave the house. I drag myself to the store as little as possible and only during times when I know there won't be as many people out. I know what I need to do, what needs to get done before I leave and yet I waste each day that comes along and hide under my blankets afraid to go out and face the world.
By all accounts this could very well be due to my hypothyroidism, an automatic gift courtesy of my thyroidectomy 10 months ago. It could also be causing my daily headaches and constant digestive problems. Whatever it is, it's taking away my quality of life in a big hurry and I'm not liking it. I push myself to try to get stuff done but I seem to have this short supply of energy that never goes away. There's so much I want to do and it all just feels like it's out of reach. I struggle to make goals and plans and consistently fall short. It's like I'm trying to keep my head above water and someone or something just pushes me back down.
I keep trying to understand why my plate just feels so full and why life just feels so overwhelming to me when there's plenty of people I know with 10 times as much going on who seem to manage to get stuff done and don't get so burned out. This should be the home stretch of our journey and I should be excited and looking forward to what's ahead, not panicky and feeling sorry for myself. We've been talking about this the entire time he's been here recovering so it's not like it's anything new to me, but I can't seem to get myself out from under this depression. I worry about money and the transition and second guess everything I do. I told someone earlier that I'm not as strong as I seem, I'm just pretty good at hiding things and wearing that fake smile.
I hate that this is happening now, right when I need to be literally moving forward. Although honestly, it's been like this for the past few months. My husband has taken to telling me that I'm lazy and I'll say that I'm going to leave but I never will. Part of me feels guilty for having to leave one of my kids behind with him but I need her to be able to stay in school until we know for sure where we're going to live. I know a big move like this is extremely disruptive to a child on the autism spectrum and she's already starting to have behavior problems at school and at home. By the same token, I desperately need to get my son out of this house and into a new routine. His pediatrician said that we need a referral for a child psychologist where we move because he's feeling some stress because of the chaotic situation we're in. As a parent, I think I'll feel guilty no matter what but if this were just a regular military move, I might feel less pressure and maybe less guilt because it was out of my control.
I think the most frustrating part of this whole mess is that I recognized that there's a problem that needs to be taken care of yet I've gotten no where. I don't understand how anyone else can walk into their doctor's office and ask for some kind of antidepressant and get a prescription, yet I've asked my counselor for a referral and practically begged my doctor (at separate visits) for something to help me and I can't get it. Somehow I fall into the mild to moderate category because I guess I seem pretty sane and don't fall apart. They'd rather just check my thyroid and then simply tell me that it's a side effect and we'll just watch and wait to see how things go. Although if I ever felt the need to harm myself or others they'd gladly lock me up in the psych ward. So does it matter that I'd like to hurt them for not listening to me when I say over and over that I need a little help to balance out my life? Where's the fine line where I can get something so I can at least function a little better? Do they need an itemized crap list of things that come through here and add to the stress?
All I'm asking for is just a little help trying to put our lives back together piece by piece. And just because my husband has come to the end of his military career, does not mean that his recovery is over by any means. Our lives will never be normal again. Most days I can accept that but sometimes I need a little help keeping my sanity. I don't think that's asking too much.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
It's Always Something...
Lots of changes have been going on around here. So much craziness added into the mix of our upside down lives that when it all calms down I'm not sure what I'll do. The biggest news is that the Army & VA finally came back with a rating for my husband. We had discussed a certain percentage that we would appeal if they rated him lower and surprisingly it was a whole lot higher than we expected. As I type this we just passed month 31 since he was wounded and began his long recovery here. We went over the paperwork with a lawyer as well as someone who was able to answer all of our questions (and then some) and clear up some of the confusion that comes with the territory. I am happy (and scared to death) to say the time has finally begun to say good bye to the military and to our home here in TX. We've been here just over 4 years and I'm ready for a change of scenery. We've decided to move to east Tennessee. It's not our home state but it's somewhere that we've both spent a lot of time and my husband has some family not too far away. We went back and forth on where to move and just kept coming back because it just felt right to us.
We started out the new year with my husband recovering from one of his deadliest infections to date. Having seen first hand how damaging and fatal sepsis can be with my mom, seeing how quickly my husband's condition deteriorated was pretty intense. Being a military wife has taught me to be used to him not being around but all of that went out the window when he was in ICU. The stress was a constant that whole time, a lot like when he was first wounded. For me, it was mostly just knowing his organs were shutting down and that it was literally killing him. I went through the motions of everything but was barely functioning myself. At one point I turned my cell phone off and avoided my computer and just simply hid in my room with my kids close by. I usually think of myself as being strong and able to hold it together but that really tested me. I am happy to say that despite his respiratory problems from overseas, my husband has pretty much made a full recovery. I will stalk him and drag him to the ER if he ever insists that he's just fine if he ever seems that sick again.
A couple weeks later, in the span of 5 days, our refrigerator finally went out for good, our dishwasher stopped working and leaked water all over the floor and our furnace went out. Yeah, that was a fantastic week. The icing on the cake was that our landlord refused to fix the fridge and offered out of the goodness of his heart to split the cost of the repairs and new parts with us. The rental company said if we didn't like that idea we could pay to rent one and have the old one hauled away. We knew we wouldn't be here that much longer and didn't even hesitate to tell them thanks but no thanks. Sorry I'm not into throwing money away because you suck. Since we had participated in the amazing Heroes at Home program through Sears and I had only used part of one of the gift certificates to buy my kids some new shoes, and I had some commission sitting in paypal, we were able to get this http://www.sears.com/shc/s/p_10153_12605_04609059000P?prdNo=20&blockNo=20&blockType=G20 for a mere $35 out of pocket. That's even after $100 for shipping and sales tax. I can't tell you how nice it's been to have cold food again!
The landlords begrudgingly fixed our furnace and dishwasher but the rest of the 8 year old house seems to be falling apart. I was informed that houses around here are built to only last about 10 years. Really? That just blows my mind. Where I come from houses last just about forever. We had thought this would be the last of our troubles for awhile but got a nice little surprise a few weeks later when we had problems getting our credit cards to work. I use the term nice very loosely and with the full sarcasm intended.
We've been saving whatever we can to prepare for this move and that's not easy when we're essentially a one income family. So imagine our shock when we logged onto our bank account and discovered that we had $4 to our names. Someone had gotten ahold of our credit cards and drained thousands of dollars from our account. We immediately called the bank and they were able to freeze the cards and tell us that the transactions came from 3 states away. Not only that but the thief/thieves had my husband's actual credit card and pretended to be him. We are extremely careful with our money and the entire time our cards were with us, however, the ones we had were approaching the expiration date. I had called the bank a few days earlier and asked them why they hadn't sent out new cards yet and was informed that they sent them out back around the first of the month. The lady I spoke with tried to tell me that it can take a couple of weeks but something about that didn't have me convinced. Sure enough, we were hit a few days later, right about the same time my husband's SSI check hit the account. It's not enough to steal someone's money but in my opinion there's a special place in hell waiting for you when you steal from a wounded veteran.
We think that someone, possibly our sucky neighbors who seem to be responsible for alot of suspicious activity in the neighborhood, could have taken the replacement cards out of the mailbox. It's not that hard to figure out our schedule and they know what time the mail arrives every day. It's creepy to think that someone has been watching us. I assure you this does wonders for an already paranoid wounded warrior with PTSD. The part that bothers me is that the thieves were able to activate the new cards and use them.
We received replacement cards a couple of days later and although I was not amused at the time, the bank issued them with the same exact numbers of the ones that were stolen and subsequently frozen. Rocket science anyone? My husband called then and explained what was going on and they said they would send out new cards but that it would take 3-5 days for the money to be put back into our account. He asked them if there was some way they could send out the cards via certified mail so we didn't risk having them stolen again and they said they couldn't do that but would overnight them via FedEx. Of course our FedEx guy left the envelop on our front porch in plain sight. So much for security. The best part was when we opened the envelop and while the card number was different, there was only one card. Turns out our bank forgot to send mine. I'm not sure how you just forget something like that but I was so exasperated by this point that I pretty much unleashed my fury on this guy. I think he had me on hold so he didn't have to listen to my tirade but I was so fed up.
To add insult to injury, we had another transaction go through leaving us a whole $1 to live on. Looking back, I guess I'm glad that we didn't overdraft the account but of course both vehicles were low on gas and since we were planning on moving days later we didn't have a whole lot of food in the house. Thankfully my husband's WTB was able to get together some gas and commissary cards for us to get through the weekend.
Nonetheless everything seems to have been pretty much resolved and back to normal now. Well whatever normal around here is. Now that things have kind of quieted down, I'm not sure what to do. I can handle constant ongoing stress because that's what I'm used to, but the quiet feels so strange. I feel like I'm just waiting for the next tidal wave to hit. I hope that someday I can stop feeling that way and just enjoy each day without assuming something is going to go wrong.
We started out the new year with my husband recovering from one of his deadliest infections to date. Having seen first hand how damaging and fatal sepsis can be with my mom, seeing how quickly my husband's condition deteriorated was pretty intense. Being a military wife has taught me to be used to him not being around but all of that went out the window when he was in ICU. The stress was a constant that whole time, a lot like when he was first wounded. For me, it was mostly just knowing his organs were shutting down and that it was literally killing him. I went through the motions of everything but was barely functioning myself. At one point I turned my cell phone off and avoided my computer and just simply hid in my room with my kids close by. I usually think of myself as being strong and able to hold it together but that really tested me. I am happy to say that despite his respiratory problems from overseas, my husband has pretty much made a full recovery. I will stalk him and drag him to the ER if he ever insists that he's just fine if he ever seems that sick again.
A couple weeks later, in the span of 5 days, our refrigerator finally went out for good, our dishwasher stopped working and leaked water all over the floor and our furnace went out. Yeah, that was a fantastic week. The icing on the cake was that our landlord refused to fix the fridge and offered out of the goodness of his heart to split the cost of the repairs and new parts with us. The rental company said if we didn't like that idea we could pay to rent one and have the old one hauled away. We knew we wouldn't be here that much longer and didn't even hesitate to tell them thanks but no thanks. Sorry I'm not into throwing money away because you suck. Since we had participated in the amazing Heroes at Home program through Sears and I had only used part of one of the gift certificates to buy my kids some new shoes, and I had some commission sitting in paypal, we were able to get this http://www.sears.com/shc/s/p_10153_12605_04609059000P?prdNo=20&blockNo=20&blockType=G20 for a mere $35 out of pocket. That's even after $100 for shipping and sales tax. I can't tell you how nice it's been to have cold food again!
The landlords begrudgingly fixed our furnace and dishwasher but the rest of the 8 year old house seems to be falling apart. I was informed that houses around here are built to only last about 10 years. Really? That just blows my mind. Where I come from houses last just about forever. We had thought this would be the last of our troubles for awhile but got a nice little surprise a few weeks later when we had problems getting our credit cards to work. I use the term nice very loosely and with the full sarcasm intended.
We've been saving whatever we can to prepare for this move and that's not easy when we're essentially a one income family. So imagine our shock when we logged onto our bank account and discovered that we had $4 to our names. Someone had gotten ahold of our credit cards and drained thousands of dollars from our account. We immediately called the bank and they were able to freeze the cards and tell us that the transactions came from 3 states away. Not only that but the thief/thieves had my husband's actual credit card and pretended to be him. We are extremely careful with our money and the entire time our cards were with us, however, the ones we had were approaching the expiration date. I had called the bank a few days earlier and asked them why they hadn't sent out new cards yet and was informed that they sent them out back around the first of the month. The lady I spoke with tried to tell me that it can take a couple of weeks but something about that didn't have me convinced. Sure enough, we were hit a few days later, right about the same time my husband's SSI check hit the account. It's not enough to steal someone's money but in my opinion there's a special place in hell waiting for you when you steal from a wounded veteran.
We think that someone, possibly our sucky neighbors who seem to be responsible for alot of suspicious activity in the neighborhood, could have taken the replacement cards out of the mailbox. It's not that hard to figure out our schedule and they know what time the mail arrives every day. It's creepy to think that someone has been watching us. I assure you this does wonders for an already paranoid wounded warrior with PTSD. The part that bothers me is that the thieves were able to activate the new cards and use them.
We received replacement cards a couple of days later and although I was not amused at the time, the bank issued them with the same exact numbers of the ones that were stolen and subsequently frozen. Rocket science anyone? My husband called then and explained what was going on and they said they would send out new cards but that it would take 3-5 days for the money to be put back into our account. He asked them if there was some way they could send out the cards via certified mail so we didn't risk having them stolen again and they said they couldn't do that but would overnight them via FedEx. Of course our FedEx guy left the envelop on our front porch in plain sight. So much for security. The best part was when we opened the envelop and while the card number was different, there was only one card. Turns out our bank forgot to send mine. I'm not sure how you just forget something like that but I was so exasperated by this point that I pretty much unleashed my fury on this guy. I think he had me on hold so he didn't have to listen to my tirade but I was so fed up.
To add insult to injury, we had another transaction go through leaving us a whole $1 to live on. Looking back, I guess I'm glad that we didn't overdraft the account but of course both vehicles were low on gas and since we were planning on moving days later we didn't have a whole lot of food in the house. Thankfully my husband's WTB was able to get together some gas and commissary cards for us to get through the weekend.
Nonetheless everything seems to have been pretty much resolved and back to normal now. Well whatever normal around here is. Now that things have kind of quieted down, I'm not sure what to do. I can handle constant ongoing stress because that's what I'm used to, but the quiet feels so strange. I feel like I'm just waiting for the next tidal wave to hit. I hope that someday I can stop feeling that way and just enjoy each day without assuming something is going to go wrong.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
A Bucket Full.
I keep thinking that I should change my blog and make it more positive and upbeat. I've been meaning to add pictures and make it more of a family blog as a way for people to keep up with what's going on in our lives since we live so far away. Unfortunately there's not much around here that falls under the normal category. As much as I would love to, I will never be able to get the war out of this house. It's like this black cloud that lingers over our heads. Sometimes it's closer than others but it's always a constant presence. I have a hard time not letting it affect my daily life.
Sometimes I wish that people could spend a day with us and really see what it's like. I don't mean a day where they get to see the nicer side of my husband that always seems to come out around extended family. I mean on days like today where no one in this house could talk to him because he had this look of hatred in his eyes if you interrupted his tv program and he actually had to have a conversation with you.
I cringe every time he yells at our kids and hurts their feelings and leaves them in tears. I suggest to him that he apologize to them later on and it breaks my heart when he says he doesn't care. In his eyes they do things on purpose to anger him. Never mind that they are 6 and almost 4 and living in a house with someone who is the cracked shell of the person he used to be. Or that they never asked for any of this.
To say it's lonely being married to a scarred and wounded combat veteran is an understatement. I struggle just to function every day and not be consumed by constant depression. It's hard to live with someone who is so cold and unfeeling most of the time. Some days I'm criticized for everything I do or don't do. I'm often left feeling that I can't do anything right.
Earlier this week the Army declared him unfit for duty. We were expecting that and it's exactly what he wanted because he hates the Army and anything to do with it now. To him it's just one step closer to severing ties with them and being left alone. He says that he doesn't want to have to answer to anybody and has even been talking about not wanting to work when he gets out. That raises a big red flag with me. He's also not ready to go back to school (it's basically free for him plus living expenses with the GI Bill) because he can't concentrate or remember things. He figures as long as his VA disability and SSI are enough to cover our vehicle payments and rent then everything will be fine and I can just work to make up the difference. Personally, I'm ready to have both of my kids in school and go back to work since he's made it abundantly clear for the past few years that he hasn't appreciated me being a SAHM. It's hard to constantly be around someone who is so negative and withdrawn.
Recently we went back to our hometown for the holidays. I can't call it a vacation because that's where we always go anytime he has leave. During these visits, I'm often bitter and resentful towards him because he offers very little help with the kids. He prefers to park his behind on the couch with his laptop or phone and I'm left with no option but to text him to get him to help me. That of course is met with loud sighing at being inconvenienced and interrupted. My kids are smart enough to know that I'm not going to get after them the way he does so it's often a struggle for me to get them to listen to me and behave, yet they straighten up the minute my husband walks into the room. My son repeats every colorful word and phrase that my husband uses and has become somewhat of a bully. I tried to put him in time out for hitting his cousin and taking a toy from him and he wouldn't cooperate so I removed him from the situation. For the next hour, and while my husband slept until 11am, I was kicked, punched, slapped, bitten and scratched by my child, simply because I tried to discipline without raising my voice or spanking. I finally sat down and cried in frustration. I'm just so tired of not getting any help or a moment's peace to myself.
I feel guilty sometimes for being disappointed that this is the way he is now. I question whether or not he's the right husband for me. I don't understand why we can't do things as a family, or spend time with other people or go to church. I feel angry that I have to do that stuff on my own or that I have to be strong enough to shoulder the burden. Most of the time I'm not strong. His moods have an affect on me and I find myself wanting to escape and hide behind my computer or curl up under my blankets and not have to face the world.
At my follow up appointment with my doctor to discuss my vitamin d deficiency and thyroid disease, I asked three or four times if I could please be put on some antidepressants to help me feel more balanced out. My voice shook and I practically begged. My doctor told me that I'm not depressed enough to warrant being prescribed medication and that I was in a watch and wait status. He assessed my whole life in a 15 minute appointment. Meanwhile, my husband gets prescribed everything under the sun and finally told his doctor to stop prescribing stuff because he didn't want to take anything. He took himself off all of his medication with the exception of his allergy and asthma meds, which he doubled the doses of to get through the holidays. He's convinced that he doesn't need anything and swears he does much better without this stuff. I beg to differ.
Right before our trip up north, he got really sick. Despite everything he's been through, he still has a fairly strong immune system and doesn't get sick very often so when he finally does, it can hit him pretty hard. This time he just kept getting fevers and getting worse each day. He refused to call the appointment line, claiming that he's not allowed to schedule his own appointments and everything has to be done through his case manager. He also refused to go to sick call because he's never done that once in his career and didn't want to start now. When he finally got the point where he could barely stand up I said I was taking him to the ER. Our son had a 105 degree fever this past Spring and was diagnosed with pneumonia and my husband symptoms matched those to a T. By some miracle the ER was completely empty that night. We live 10 minutes from the hospital and I had to stop along the way because he had been throwing up nonstop and nearly passed out beforehand. When I stopped to get him some water, he got sick again and fell out of the car when it happened and hit his head on the ground, briefly knocking himself out.
They immediately admitted him and he continued to get sick and pass out and his blood pressure dropped. He had pneumonia and was so severely dehydrated that he had started damaging his kidneys. The cause of the pneumonia was from yet another MRSA infection and it had gotten so bad that it had turned into sepsis. As I've mentioned numerous times on this blog, sepsis was fatal for my mom so this hit close to home. His doctor told him point blank that if he had waited another day or two he probably wouldn't have survived. He spent some time in ICU and responded well to the antibiotics and was able to go home a few days later. He's still recovering and still has some breathing issues but is doing a lot better than he was.
Because we don't have family in the area and I had to take him to the ER in the middle of the night, I had to wake up the kids and take them along. As soon as I had gotten confirmation that he was being admitted (after the week we had had, I was actually relieved), I took the kids home so we could all get some much needed sleep. Thankfully my daughter's school and her teacher were extremely understanding about the whole situation. She ended up missing a couple of days because I couldn't justify sending her when she hadn't gotten any sleep and because I was just incredibly overwhelmed. While that was all going on, my refrigerator stopped working and I had to throw everything away. Seems like when it rains, it pours around here. I spent much of that week hiding away from the world and dealing with one thing at a time because that was all I could handle.
Sometimes I just want to scream until I have no voice left. It's been 30 months since he was wounded and we're still here. I'm ready to stop counting and get on with the next step in this journey. I just want to be able to look back and say that was hard but we survived and we're stronger for it. I want things to simply be normal again but that can never be.
Sometimes I wish that people could spend a day with us and really see what it's like. I don't mean a day where they get to see the nicer side of my husband that always seems to come out around extended family. I mean on days like today where no one in this house could talk to him because he had this look of hatred in his eyes if you interrupted his tv program and he actually had to have a conversation with you.
I cringe every time he yells at our kids and hurts their feelings and leaves them in tears. I suggest to him that he apologize to them later on and it breaks my heart when he says he doesn't care. In his eyes they do things on purpose to anger him. Never mind that they are 6 and almost 4 and living in a house with someone who is the cracked shell of the person he used to be. Or that they never asked for any of this.
To say it's lonely being married to a scarred and wounded combat veteran is an understatement. I struggle just to function every day and not be consumed by constant depression. It's hard to live with someone who is so cold and unfeeling most of the time. Some days I'm criticized for everything I do or don't do. I'm often left feeling that I can't do anything right.
Earlier this week the Army declared him unfit for duty. We were expecting that and it's exactly what he wanted because he hates the Army and anything to do with it now. To him it's just one step closer to severing ties with them and being left alone. He says that he doesn't want to have to answer to anybody and has even been talking about not wanting to work when he gets out. That raises a big red flag with me. He's also not ready to go back to school (it's basically free for him plus living expenses with the GI Bill) because he can't concentrate or remember things. He figures as long as his VA disability and SSI are enough to cover our vehicle payments and rent then everything will be fine and I can just work to make up the difference. Personally, I'm ready to have both of my kids in school and go back to work since he's made it abundantly clear for the past few years that he hasn't appreciated me being a SAHM. It's hard to constantly be around someone who is so negative and withdrawn.
Recently we went back to our hometown for the holidays. I can't call it a vacation because that's where we always go anytime he has leave. During these visits, I'm often bitter and resentful towards him because he offers very little help with the kids. He prefers to park his behind on the couch with his laptop or phone and I'm left with no option but to text him to get him to help me. That of course is met with loud sighing at being inconvenienced and interrupted. My kids are smart enough to know that I'm not going to get after them the way he does so it's often a struggle for me to get them to listen to me and behave, yet they straighten up the minute my husband walks into the room. My son repeats every colorful word and phrase that my husband uses and has become somewhat of a bully. I tried to put him in time out for hitting his cousin and taking a toy from him and he wouldn't cooperate so I removed him from the situation. For the next hour, and while my husband slept until 11am, I was kicked, punched, slapped, bitten and scratched by my child, simply because I tried to discipline without raising my voice or spanking. I finally sat down and cried in frustration. I'm just so tired of not getting any help or a moment's peace to myself.
I feel guilty sometimes for being disappointed that this is the way he is now. I question whether or not he's the right husband for me. I don't understand why we can't do things as a family, or spend time with other people or go to church. I feel angry that I have to do that stuff on my own or that I have to be strong enough to shoulder the burden. Most of the time I'm not strong. His moods have an affect on me and I find myself wanting to escape and hide behind my computer or curl up under my blankets and not have to face the world.
At my follow up appointment with my doctor to discuss my vitamin d deficiency and thyroid disease, I asked three or four times if I could please be put on some antidepressants to help me feel more balanced out. My voice shook and I practically begged. My doctor told me that I'm not depressed enough to warrant being prescribed medication and that I was in a watch and wait status. He assessed my whole life in a 15 minute appointment. Meanwhile, my husband gets prescribed everything under the sun and finally told his doctor to stop prescribing stuff because he didn't want to take anything. He took himself off all of his medication with the exception of his allergy and asthma meds, which he doubled the doses of to get through the holidays. He's convinced that he doesn't need anything and swears he does much better without this stuff. I beg to differ.
Right before our trip up north, he got really sick. Despite everything he's been through, he still has a fairly strong immune system and doesn't get sick very often so when he finally does, it can hit him pretty hard. This time he just kept getting fevers and getting worse each day. He refused to call the appointment line, claiming that he's not allowed to schedule his own appointments and everything has to be done through his case manager. He also refused to go to sick call because he's never done that once in his career and didn't want to start now. When he finally got the point where he could barely stand up I said I was taking him to the ER. Our son had a 105 degree fever this past Spring and was diagnosed with pneumonia and my husband symptoms matched those to a T. By some miracle the ER was completely empty that night. We live 10 minutes from the hospital and I had to stop along the way because he had been throwing up nonstop and nearly passed out beforehand. When I stopped to get him some water, he got sick again and fell out of the car when it happened and hit his head on the ground, briefly knocking himself out.
They immediately admitted him and he continued to get sick and pass out and his blood pressure dropped. He had pneumonia and was so severely dehydrated that he had started damaging his kidneys. The cause of the pneumonia was from yet another MRSA infection and it had gotten so bad that it had turned into sepsis. As I've mentioned numerous times on this blog, sepsis was fatal for my mom so this hit close to home. His doctor told him point blank that if he had waited another day or two he probably wouldn't have survived. He spent some time in ICU and responded well to the antibiotics and was able to go home a few days later. He's still recovering and still has some breathing issues but is doing a lot better than he was.
Because we don't have family in the area and I had to take him to the ER in the middle of the night, I had to wake up the kids and take them along. As soon as I had gotten confirmation that he was being admitted (after the week we had had, I was actually relieved), I took the kids home so we could all get some much needed sleep. Thankfully my daughter's school and her teacher were extremely understanding about the whole situation. She ended up missing a couple of days because I couldn't justify sending her when she hadn't gotten any sleep and because I was just incredibly overwhelmed. While that was all going on, my refrigerator stopped working and I had to throw everything away. Seems like when it rains, it pours around here. I spent much of that week hiding away from the world and dealing with one thing at a time because that was all I could handle.
Sometimes I just want to scream until I have no voice left. It's been 30 months since he was wounded and we're still here. I'm ready to stop counting and get on with the next step in this journey. I just want to be able to look back and say that was hard but we survived and we're stronger for it. I want things to simply be normal again but that can never be.
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